Over the summer, the finest of all Baton Rouge establishments was unjustly closed. Most students don’t live in Baton Rouge during the summer and haven’t had to deal with this travesty, but we’ve returned to the 225 as quickly as tabs run up in Tigerland. The question we face now is “What are to do to get the Reggie’s experience while it’s still closed?” The Black Sheep is here to answer your inquiries.
6.) Cigarette Bath:
Everyone knows that the aroma of Reggie’s is one of its main selling points. Without this in our lives, the only way to fill this hole in your heart is rummaging through gas station parking lots to find enough cigarette butts to fill your bathtub. Relax in the butts for hours until you’ve reached a perfect replica of the scent of Reggie’s.
5.) Meat Run:
All Reggie’s patrons are familiar with the sensation of always feeling like someone or something is about to pounce on you. The feeling that you’re constantly being preyed upon can also be replicated by tying several cuts of meat to your naked body and frolicking around Mike VII’s cage.
4.) Traveling Circus:
The atmosphere of Reggie’s always starts off with a 17-person Uber ride from your apartment to the bar. Wigs are snatched, makeup is smeared ear-to-ear, and somehow every single person manages to lose their phone. Coincidentally, clown cars have literally the same exact circumstances as an Uber to Tigerland.
3.) Bus Boy:
Everyone goes through tough times. If you ever found your freshman self so desperate for alcohol that you sulked through the tables of Reggie’s, preying on other people’s unattended and half-empty drinks. Being a bus boy temporarily is a sure-fire way to get this same adventurous experience.
The only way to make sure you’re berated as much as the bouncers as Reggie’s berate and degrade you is to become an intern. Preferably for a major company where your life and time mean less to your employers than the life of an ant.
1.) Gas Station Employment:
After a long night of throwing back cold ones and eventually warm ones, 100% of Reggie’s attendees wrap up their nights at none other than Akasha Market. Waiting 45 minutes for somehow already cold hamburger is one step away from actually working at Akasha. Apply for a cashier job to replace the void in your heart that can only be filled with bacon grease and chewing tobacco.
Hopefully these six strategies fill the hole in your heart where our dearly beloved Reginald’s used to belong. Until then, we hope for it’s safe healing and return.