Top 17 Weirdest Things We Found Written in Middleton Cubicles

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The third and fourth floors of Middleton will always and forever be slightly terrifying. They’re cold, eerily quiet, the air is somehow damp and stale at the same time, and there is some weird ass shit haphazardly scratched into the desks and walls of the cubicles. We did a little investigating and here are some of the most confusing (and truly thought-provoking) things to be written:

17.) “callie + macie + tessa 4 ever”:

A really intense friendship? A lady threesome? We need to know.

16.) “Wonder Bread”:

Shameless advertising.

15.) “Alex Gonzalez Cup’s coupes the des balls balles”:

Alex Gonzalez cups balls? He cups ball’s balls? Who’s Alex and what is he cupping so fervently?

14.) “y’all so ill-irterate” someone else’s response: “ilLITerate”:

You can’t argue with stupid.

13.) “a pregnant woman swimming is like a human submarine”:

Call your mom.

12.) “Do crabs think fish fly?” someone else’s response: “this is profound”:

Do crabs think period? How is this helping you?

11.) “HELP”:

Same tho.

10.) “<3 the FUCK HUT”:

Where is the fuck hut? Can we all go to the fuck hut? Please tell us?

9.) “WTF so horny”:

Get out of Middleton you sick fuck.

8.) “LSU sucks CLITS”:

Is this bad or good? Not sure. Asking for a friend.

7.) “Fuck cancer Free Boosie”:

Inarguable logic.

6.) “Bash the Fash – punch a nazi, save a life”:

So many things happening here.

5.) “porn is lame”:

Thou dost protest too much?

4.) “if you pick up a bee due to kindness, you will learn the limitations of kindness. – sufi proverb”:

Okay like it makes sense sort of, but is it really possible to pick up a bee?

3.) “squidward smells good”:

Sure he does.

2.) “free scratches”:

Since when do people pay for scratches? Are your scratches special somehow? Beef up your advertising, man.

1.) “im a virgin” someone else’s response: “then go touch a unicorn”:

We were unaware of this method. Thanks Middleton.

While some of these are deeply unsettling, and some students are in dire need of clinical therapy, we’ve gained some insight nonetheless into their dusty and broken brains. Take this as a wake up call to never enter Middleton and stay away from expressing your deepest darkest feelings.

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…