If There Was A Final for Actual Life at LSU

author-pic at Louisiana State University  

Going to LSU, there are just some things you have to know to survive. Otherwise, natural selection will pluck you up and spit you out. The Black Sheep has worked up a practice final exam for you so you don’t lose the little dignity you have left amidst finals, and you can describe yourself as “socially acceptable” on your resume for the jobs that don’t exist.

Question 1:

  If someone is looking to contract a majorly life-threatening disease within 30 seconds or less, where should they go on LSU’s campus? Answer: Trick question, where shouldn’t they go? Lockett, Himes, Allen, Middleton are just a few of the choices. Also, any fraternity house will do. It’s a cesspool out there.

Question 2:

How might an LSU student react if they shit their pants during an exam? Answer: They take the L and finish the exam. Those eight hours on the fourth floor of Middleton will not go to waste. However, their underwear that day will.

Question 3:

Jimothy is a freshman at LSU in the KAO fraternity. His dorm room smells like feet soaking in an onion bath, each pair of his Chubbies exposes at least 6” of his pale thighs, and he makes sure to always be walking with at least five other fraternity members at all times. However, he simply cannot achieve sexual intercourse with a real life broad. What are some things he can do to help him move toward his goal? Answer: Purchase a pair of shockingly clunky New Balances, run over them a few times with a car before first wear, be sure to clearly assert his dominance during a date by drinking a minimum of 12 Bud Lights, and send Snapchats of his massive dumps to his fuck buddy interests.

Question 4:

Of the following, which is the most appropriate response to the mention of the now deceased Mike VI? A. Laugh hysterically; B. remove all clothing and curl up on the ground in the fetal position whilst chanting, “Gone but never forgotten;” C. Confusedly ask, “Who is Mike?;” D. Die.

Answer: Choice B. Choices A and C will get you shot, so choice D would be runner up.

Question 5:

Fuck, Marry, Kill – Les Miles, Ed Orgeron, F. King Alexander.

Answer: Fuck Ed, Marry F. King, Kill Les. Easy.

If you’re saying you’ve never experienced DADs, well, you’re lying: