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Top Ten LSU People Who Belong on Santa’s Naughty List

 

Christmas is coming and the Naughty List is growing by the day. LSU has been up to some pretty sketchy stuff lately, but there are ten individuals who trump them all. We’ve made a list and checked it twice, you should do the same. Also, sorry we said “trump.” 

10.) That Shirtless/Shoeless Hippie Who Does Flips on the Quad: 

Everyone loves to hate this guy. We don’t even know why we dislike him. None of us have gotten close enough to smell him. He’s never tried to speak to us. But, really, what’s his deal? We came to LSU to be surrounded by ignorant rednecks, not half-naked hippies.  

9.) The Girl Who Studied Abroad Once and Pronounces it “Barthelona:  

There are a guaranteed 50 such students on this campus. We all know at least two of them. If you’re lucky, you’ve only ever encountered one. Studying abroad is fabulous, and wonderful, and badass and whatnot. Just don’t pretend you can speak Spanish just because you know how to ask where the bathroom is.  

8.) Samuel Lockett: 

Pretty sure he’s dead. But his name is permanently etched into Santa’s Naughty List for giving us what is probably the most disgusting, disease-ridden building on campus.  

7.) Danny Etling: 

He stole the spotlight from one subpar quarterback who shall not be named. Very naughty.  

6.) Every God Forsaken Squirrel on This Campus: 

What are squirrels but puffy-tailed, audacious rats? They aren’t cute. They aren’t sweet. They are the scum of this campus and must be eradicated (or at least denied a Christmas gift).  

5.) Les Miles: 

He was so close -so close- to keeping his job, but he blew it. Is it worth a stocking full of coal? Under normal circumstances, no. He made a mistake, he’s a sweet guy, but this is the SEC, bitch. 

4.) Every Smoker in Smokers Alley: 

There’s a plaque that says, “Thank you for not smoking” in the middle of Smokers Alley. So why do you keep doing it? You’re just asking to be put on the Naughty List.  

3.) The Calc Professor Who Forgot to Email Everyone About Class Being Cancelled: 

Fuck you. 

2.) F. King Alexander: 

Though we’re fully aware that it isn’t his fault, someone must take the blame. F. King Alexander, you have denied us our TOPS, our happiness, and our general sanity. We hereby sentence you to the Naughty List.  

1.) Troy Middleton: 

He sits there, no more than a head and some shoulders at the front of the library. But we can feel him mocking us. We hear is silent chuckles. It’s sick, Troy. Enjoy your coal.  

Merry Christmas from our flock to yours, we salute you sexy Santas and nasty St. Nicks. No shame in owning your spot on the Naughty List. Maybe you’ll make the top ten next year.

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