How to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse at LSU
The Apocalypse is here! We don’t mean Election Day y’all. We mean the actual living dead folks who are probably eating your classmate’s brain as you read this. Okay it’s not really here. But it’s more fun to prepare for the apocalypse than studying for finals, right? Don’t worry, we have a plan for everyone out there that will ensure y’all survive to make it to the New World Order. First things first, you need your friends and anyone you can trust. If you stay together as a team, you’ll get out as a team. Probably.
Lockett Hall: Forward Operating Base
Utilize Lockett Hall as your forward operating base. The basement is too hot for zombies anyway, so they won’t risk coming close to differential equations or calculus. They don’t have the brain capacity anymore. (Most of them never did in the first place anyway). Remember all those folks wearing the geaux engineering shirts? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Herget Hall: Base
Now that you have set your forward operating base, you need your headquarters. We recommend you pick Herget Hall. The Miller candy aka hotties (who are probably zombies now) will distract the other male zombies. That’ll give you some breathing room to gaze out at the beautiful stars with your significant other as civilization collapses around you. Just stay away from those Jettas and you will be fine.
Zombies can’t afford to lose anymore brain power at the UREC so you can train your team members there and make them fit. It’s true; half the people at UREC fail out of college in a year. For example, how do you even go to class after leg day?
CVS Pharmacy: Medicines and Personal Needs
This is the Colombia of Drugs in Baton Rouge. Anything you need, you will find it here at the brand new mini mall. Stock up on alcohol, medicines, soap, and gum (you’d be surprised at how many people don’t brush their teeth during a zombie apocalypse) and anything else.
Bursar’s Office: Money
It’s probably unguarded now. Go ahead and take all your tuition money back. After all, you deserve a full refund and compensation. You knew you were going to be brain dead, but not this soon. Recover that money as it might be useful to make purchases for necessary items.
Mike’s Habitat: Food
At this time and instance, Mike the Tiger would be more than willing to help you gather food. He’s the sweetheart pet now. Let him loose at first so he can find other “pets” from the Tiger Truck Stop on the other side of the river and get more furry protein for us. Then, train all of those tigers to hunt down wild game and bring it back to Herget.
Over here, you will be mingling with zombies and humans alike. The zombies won’t recognize you with all the alcohol in your blood. As long as you don’t steal their significant other, they won’t bite you. Who knows, you might even take an attractive undead chick home with you. But if she falls in love with you, give her Mike’s 190D, the strongest drink in all of Tigerland. Just make sure the DJ doesn’t play any Walking Dead music. They hate that shit.
So there you have it. If you follow these basic guidelines, you are pretty much guaranteed to make it alive if there ever is a cure. With your help, we will make sure the human race survives. Forward on, Tigers!