In Response to Animal Rights Protesters, Mike VII Now Free to Roam Campus
The new Mike the Tiger (a.k.a., Mike VII, formerly Harvey, and a god damn Stud Muffin) will be free to roam the beautiful LSU campus. The decision was made by Chancellor of the University, King Alexander.
“The picking of a new Mike has lately been the subject of popular debate among animal-rights activists. There were comments about his enclosure, saying that it wasn’t fit for a tiger or that he would be too lonely by himself. We realized that they were right! So, we have decided to let little Mike loose among the students.”
Many have congratulated the Chancellor on his decision.
Susan Whataburger, LSU head cheerleader, commented saying, “He’ll be a happy little tiger! The students can play with him, and he can make new friends, and he can go to classes, and this will be great!”
Others did not react as positively to the news. Wendy McDonald, a Sophomore biology major, had this to say, “What. The. Fuck. He’s a freaking tiger!!! Does anyone understand that?”
In order to keep Mike intellectually stimulated, the Veterinary team which takes care of him has created a class schedule for him to follow. Mike has been enrolled in Vertebrate Physiology, Neo-Classical Interior Design, Mid-century English Literature, and Calc I.
When we approached Mike for comment, we were unable to identify anything akin to the English language. But, he did try to gnaw on this reporter’s shoe, which some say is a good sign that he will be receptive to the increase in human interaction.
After further investigation, it was discovered that Mike VII will be pursuing a degree in Finance with minors in Interior Design and Sports Administration.
It looks like Mike’s enclosure might be a bit more Feng Shui after he’s done with it. Good luck Mike! We know you’ll do great!