You feel a deep, rumbling, gut-wrenching pain in the pit of your stomach. Your toes curl, your eyes widen, and your genitals retreat back into your body. If you or a loved one are experiencing these symptoms, you may have seen your professor on Tinder. This is how to deal with it.
Step 1- Weigh whether it would be better or worse to match them:
If you swipe right and it isn’t a match—you’ll have to spend the rest of your life thinking about whether they saw you or not. Did they just not see you? Or did they see you and ignore you because you’re ugly? Probably the latter.
Step 1.5- If you’re ballsy enough to swipe right:
Then your result will appear. If you don’t match, then your journey is over and the rest of your college career, and possibly your life, will be spent mulling this over. Years from now, as you sip room temperature Lipton green tea in a bath robe alone, the sole thought running through your head will be wondering whether or not you got the left swipe.
Step 2- They swiped right, this is where it gets tricky:
Should you message first or should they? What are your motives? What are their motives? The answer is simple: message them first. Slide in with something real sensual and go from there. Schmooze them but also remember that respect is important to these people. They are doctors.
Step 3- Messaging:
You’re ready to hang out. Sign up for their office hours under a fake name then show up and deliver a piping hot 18-wheeler of sex to them. If you did well, congrats you have at least one guaranteed “A” this semester! If you didn’t do well, get ready to take that course over again! Failing at lovin’ is failing at life. You may want to also consider taking this course with a different professor—one you haven’t banged.
Step 4- It’s time to start all over again!
Now that you know the drill, the process will be catalyzed. By the time you graduate you could bang every teacher you have! Keep making your parents proud.