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Shitty ’01 Camry Doesn’t Deserve Ag Lot Parking Spot

Students at Louisiana State University are absolutely outraged over the University’s increasingly “shithole” parking.

What was once a vast landscape of freshly cemented parking spaces has now become a war torn battle ground shed with the blood, sweat, and tears of all those who arrive to campus anytime after 7:30 a.m. Some say they’ve even heard the screams of those whose cars have been towed echoing throughout the Ag lot late at night.

The scarce parking now left is being demolished to make way for the new, useless buildings, causing a tremendous increase in the amount of students who hitchhike to class everyday. Just when students thought riding with a pervy truck driver with the self- given nickname of “Buffalo Bob” to class couldn’t get any worse, the “shitty Camry” arrived.

Student Garrett “T-Bone” Newman’s 2001 Toyota Camry, also referred to campus- wide as “the shitty Camry” has been causing an uproar among students. Complete with neither of its bumpers, and sculpted away by accident after accident, this car, which is almost not even there, still gets an entire parking space.

“I get to campus everyday an hour before class only to find that three-fifths of a car is wasting an entire parking space. Why should that car get the spot while my brand new Jeep has to park on fucking Aster? It doesn’t even count as an entire car!” comments sophomore Jenna Raines.

Garrett was happy to speak with us, and tell a little more about how his car came to be the most despised, decrepit piece of shit on wheels that’s ever been known to roam LSU’s campus since Milo Yiannopoulos’s “Dangerous Faggot” tour bus.

“Uhh, whaddup, I’m Garrett, I’m nineteen, and I never fucking learned how to drive. I got my license really late so they let me bypass drivers ed. I went to one class, but I was tripping balls so…I guess you could say I get in the occasional accident every now and then. I’ve T-Boned a few people trying to hit my bong driving through intersections, actually how I got the sweet nickname, and also how my car lost its front bumper twice. Eventually decided to just say fuck it, why fix it ?”

Along with multiple tire slashings, Garrett has relieved multiple threats regarding his parking on campus.

“Oh and the threats ? Yeah, I could give a shit less about those. What are they gonna do? Force me to eat Tide Pods? Already done that before. Useless. You know what really hurts though, man? Saying my car isn’t as deserving of a spot as the rest of them just because she’s “not even an entire car.” Maybe I should get to park where the professors do. I don’t know, but all cars matter man, remember that shit.”

Due to the controversy surrounding Garrett’s car, F. King Alexander will be holding a press conference to answer any questions about how the University will go about dividing what’s left of LSU’s parking spaces into a strict, class-based system.

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