Before our elites step up to demonstrate their superior physical prowess, fans like us are putting in the hours to show our undying support. We emulate our idols’ athleticism in sports like corn hole, horseshoe, and beer pong. We blare the anthems of our school’s spirit and perform sacred chants and dances to remind the visiting teams and fans exactly where they are and how passionate we are for our team. And, most importantly, we drink to keep a positive, enduring attitude throughout the experience.
We take our drunken silliness very seriously around here. Many of you might be worried that, although you are mentally prepared to roar with the rest of the tigers, your body may not be prepared to partake in the biologically advanced drinking customs we practice. And that’s fine. We were all freshman once.
Acquiring the tolerance to drink heavily for hours without completely destroying one’s body and, worse than that, one’s reputation takes time and dedication. Just like in a sport, it takes a strong will and a cunning mind to consume copious amounts of alcohol and keep it down while maintaining poise and coherence.
Before we get the kegs pumping in a couple weeks, try one or two of these simple tactics to make for a strong liver in time for kickoff:
4.) Take two shots every waking hour:
A constant buzz will get your body used to metabolizing alcohol regularly and will get you practice working with the clouded fuzziness you will grow to love. Plus it also just makes everything fun!
3.) Drink while you study:
Every ten flashcards you get right, take a shot. One beer for every 100 pages. Make the task flexible to your study requirements and habits. And for the sake of consistency, you might as well show up to the tests and lectures drunk as not to confuse your body.
2.) Chug every time you think about sports:
You’re going to be doing it on gameday anyways.
1.) Meal replacement.
Alcohol already has plenty of calories. Adding food on top of that would be pretty excessive.
It’s not really a matter of recreation but of a social responsibility. Our chants are what make the touchdowns worth scoring. They’re amplified by our debauchery. Coach O and the boys are depending on us to do our part this season as we have done as long as there has been LSU football. Here’s to going all the way this season and having fun doing it. Let’s get chugging.