It’s Tuesday night and the time to get drunk is NOW. Most college students get drunk, but only LSU students are granted the opportunity to get drunk at JL’s Place. The Black Sheep has provided a detailed timeline of how your Wine Night at JL’s is spent.
7:45 p.m.: Assemble your team of vagabonds! It’s time for Wine Night, bitches.
8:00 p.m.: Now that your team is assembled, it’s time to assemble the ingredients for a perfect Wine Night. Make your way to Akasha Market and buy six of your favorite Four Lokos.
8:30 p.m.: Now that it’s 30 minutes into Frinks, It’s time to finish those Four Lokos and head to JL’s.
9:00 p.m.: With only an hour of free drinks left, it’s time to do some catching up on drinking before time runs out!
9:15 p.m.: Vegas Bombs. At least eight of them.
9:30 p.m.: Now you’re finally drunk enough to tolerate the taste of wine, indulge in one of JL’s Place’s fine chardonnays or pinots.
9:40 p.m.: After washing down several gallons of $1 wine, you’re feeling pretty good. A little too good.
10:00 p.m.: Now that Frinks is over, more people start to arrive to the soiree.
10:30 p.m.: The place is filling up quickly! Time to find your target of the evening and lock your sights on them.
10:45 p.m.: In a desperate attempt to catch the eye of your potential date, you take the fattest fucking Juul rip possible and throw back some more Vegas Bombs. Unfortunately, they do not see this exhibition of swagger and dominance.
11:00 p.m.: Order twelve wines and attempt to drunkenly carry all of them back to your table of friends without any help.
11:30 p.m.: You’re shitfaced. Your friends are shitfaced. The whole bar is shitfaced.
12:00 a.m.: As the clock strikes midnight, the DJ christens the new day by playing the classic hit “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry.
12:30 a.m.: Time to clear some room in that stomach! Make your way to the nearest urinal trough and get to blowing chunks.
1:00 a.m.: With only an hour left of bar time, you and your crew decide to leave after “one more drink.”
1:30 a.m.: Given that you are all shitfaced, your crew does NOT leave after one drink.
2:00 a.m.: The clock strikes two, marking the tragic and premature end of Wine Night. As the lights turn back on, everyone’s sweaty puke faces are illuminated and true colors are shown.
2:10 a.m.: After scattering for the door into the comfortable darkness of the parking lot, refuge is finally sought in the safety of an Uber.
2:30 a.m. Time to pay your Uber $20 under the table to bring you to Taco Bell, even though they will do it for free.
3:00 a.m. After puking up a shit-storm of $1 wine and Crunchwrap Supremes, your bed calls to you like a siren to sailors.
8:00 a.m. Good morning, sunshine! Wipe the shit out your eyes, it’s time to start your day. Now begins the cycle of counting down until the next Wine Night.
And that’s every Wine Night ever, in all of it’s beautiful, magical glory.
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