Bet you never thought you’d need to winter weatherproofing your Baton Rouge apartment. But, surprise! Mother Nature has laid the hammer down and there’s snow in Baton Rouge, and Mike the Tiger is fucking loving it. This precipitation is new and exciting for us Tigers, which means we’re not quite prepared for these unusual white flakes falling from the sky. Here are a few tips to weatherproofing your Baton Rouge apartment before you turn into an icicle:
7.) Invest in a blowtorch:
“It’s not safe,” they’ll tell you. “It’s a fire hazard to the entire apartment complex,” says your landlord. Neither has seen the beauteous moment a 30-foot gas-powered flame soaring into the air while a blizzard melts into a monsoon in front of your very eyes. It’s also great for cleaning off the welcome mat.
6.) Build a sauna in your bathroom:
It’s essential to have a place to warm up in your home after a long day out in the cold. Hire a crafty Finnish couple to build a sauna in your shower–you won’t regret it. Whether it’s a Sunday morning hangover or a pesky amount of THC in your bloodstream, saunas are the perfect place for sweating out your problems.
5.) Fill your bedroom with sand:
Nothing says “winter getaway” like a bedroom full of sand! Say “auf wiedersehen” to the snowy nightmare outside and “aloha” to the sexy sandy beach inside your bedroom. You’ll be sure to appreciate the sand’s ability to spread itself into every single crevice, crack, and hole in your entire being, always reminding you that summer is just around the corner!
4.) Make a snow fort (with a liquor cabinet):
Having a snow fort situated outside your house is a great way to bring nostalgic style to your property. Not only will your fort protect your house, but it’s also a great place to pass out on a Friday night coming home from the bars. Be sure to add on some adult modifications to your fort such as a liquor cabinet and stripper pole. If your fort is a real ice castle, you might even be able to secure yourself a booze sponsorship, and you won’t have to worry about keeping your liquor chilly.
3.) Fill your entire fridge and cabinets with non-perishable goods:
The leisurely days of frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets are gone. If you’re going to survive winter, you need to stock your kitchen full of delectable non-perishable items like beans, corn, and canned chicken noodle soup. If you feed your roommate the right foods and swap their shampoo with barbecue sauce you can also add some nice long pig to your pantry collection for when the canned goods start to run low.
2.) Don’t be afraid to make a good ole’ indoor bonfire:
When your indoor heating system isn’t enough, bring out the logs and lighter fluid to make a cozy bonfire the centerpiece of your living room. Pick up some cardboard from your local dumpster to wave away the pesky smoke that may cause damage to your ceiling and lungs. Be sure to unplug all your smoke detectors and if the paint starts melting off the walls, just keep throwing that lighter fluid on there!
1.) Keep a spare bear carcass in case of emergency:
Remember the scene in Star Wars where Luke slices open that tauntaun and sleeps inside of it to stay warm? We suggest that you keep a bear carcass around so that you can do the same thing. Nothing is worse than being too chilly, so go to your local woods and catch a bear or two in case things get a little too frigid.
Snow is rare in Baton Rouge, but it’s important to be prepared in case this outrageous weather continues. Who said global warming was real?
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