LSU… the place where stately oaks and broad magnolias shade inspiring halls, but those trees have nothing on the students. We throw shade on the reg: on professors, our “vintage” buildings, the glory holes our boys so lovingly carve in the sides of bathroom stalls, and even on each other. That’s something our new freshmen are going to have to get used to, but there are things that they can never experience. It’s time to sit the fuck down so we can take a trip down memory lane, and if your pansy ass gets emotional, it might be time to go grab the tissues.
6.) No need for clothes on the 4th floor of Club Mid:
Here is a twenty-three-year-old male in his natural habitat. The stress of midterms seems to have fucked him up in the head a bit. To deal, he has decided to strip down to nothing but his birthday suit. He could have at least put down a towel. Just imagine, there is AT LEAST one chair in Club Mid that has seen bare nut sack. Just let that sink in.
5.) The passing of our beloved Mike:
This reporter must confess that she cried when she heard that Mike had passed away. (It was a hard week ok!) Many of the student body felt the same. They left notes and flowers and get well soon cards for our sick buddy. No jokes here. We love and miss you Mike.
4.) A certain intro chem professor found making out with a student:
Watching a professor doing something stupid is like watching one of those videos where turtles are doing it and making weird moaning noises. You can’t look away. This bastard was notorious for making creepy passes at his freshmen students. He and a girl of the gothic persuasion were found making out in a stairwell when they got caught. He then “resigned.” Where can you volunteer for this? Mama needs an A.
Want some bomb-ass nachos with queso and pork? Well, you can’t get it in the Union. This underrated, generic version of Izzo’s fed the LSU student body quality tacos and quesadillas. They didn’t charge extra for guac or the sass that came with it. You beautiful angel you, fly on high to the heavens where you can be truly appreciated.
2.) The Free Speech Alley evangelists:
Ah, our very own Evangelists. Although they will probably never leave, they deserve an honorable mention. Remember that one time when they dressed up in boy scout uniforms? Don’t go dropping your panties just yet boys and girls. There’s only room for one person in their hearts, and we all know who that is… Coach O. Let’s hear that sexy voice.
1.) Rushing the field:
Dunn Dun Dunn Dun! Suck that Tiger dick bitch! Suck it long and suck it hard. Ole Miss, at the #3 seat, was defeated by LSU in the fall of ’14. We, the classy motherfuckers that we are, rushed the field and really rubbed it in the faces of the Ole Miss fans. Maybe they would like some fries with all that salt.
We’ll need to excuse our freshies’ lack of experience. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing, and tbh, it’s kind of fun to watch. Let’s show them the ropes and make some new memories. Get to it LSU!