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10 Things To Do When Spring Finally Shows the Fuck Up at UMD

FINALLY! The cold and bitter weather is beyond us and the beautiful spring weather is upon us. Assuming you’re a normal human being, the cold weather really blows and limits the amount of activities to be participated in outside. It’s now your time to reap the day and go do things outside, but because it’s been a while, here are a few suggestions we’ve collected. We believe these ideas are a surefire way to have a blast now that you can!

10.) Go lay in a hammock:
What beautiful weather! It’s so good that you could probably grab your hammock and pick two good trees to set up and take a nap. Lay in comfort in your hammock, bump some music on a speaker and invite some friends to lay around with you!

9.) Get friends together for pickup soccer:
The grass has been cut, the warmth feels good on your skin and you’re hankering to play some soccer. Call all your friends and go meet up with them at the Engineering Fields. Be fit, fun and active while keeping your competitive edge under the sun. Don’t forget to bring a ball!

8.) Go study outside:
Ahh, you’re a student for a reason. Don’t let the library keep you captive; go out on the mall or into the quad and start studying for the exam, two essays and presentation you have next week! If need be, bring a portable fan in the event that your laptop overheats. Way to be responsible, dude.

7.) Have a picnic:
It’s lunchtime. You didn’t eat any breakfast and you’ve been drinking a ton of water throughout your classes. You are absolutely starving and you’re not about to sit in Stamp’s food court with how nice it is outside. Make sure to prep your backpack with a cloth and a packed lunch, then go outside and start stuffing your face. It’ll be worth it.

6.) Develop a subspecies of porcupine-human hybrids:
You’ve been working in your shed with the genetic makeup of both your aunt and the dead porcupine you found in the woods for years. You figured now’s the time to bring it to school and create a hybrid between the two species and low and behold, you’ve done it. You’ve incubated a miracle of life with the cross between the two DNA and now you’ve gotta fucking hide it, dude. You can’t let the university stumble upon your creation and take the credit. Be smart about it and hide it somewhere warm, like anywhere outside in the spring weather.

5.) Teach the porcupine-human hybrids how to pick racists out of a lineup
You’ve successfully hid the porcu-baby for months and it’s growing at rapid speeds. You’ve named it Tito and he can speak English, Portuguese and a sect of porcupine language. Now, in order to end the racial problems throughout the country, you can start teaching Tito how to spot the discriminators out in any situation. He can use his spikes to impale the enemy and whisper “Sweet Dreams, Suínos Racistas.”

4.) Drive around with the windows down:
What a sweet, warm breeze to ride around and listen to your favorite artist. For us? Probably the last couple of Drake singles and Rich The Kid’s album, but regardless, pick whatever your heart desires and jam out. Call up your buddy Tommy or Tori and get to rockin’!

3.) Go to happy hour:
Who doesn’t wanna drink in some shorts again?! Why sit inside in Turf when you can hang on the patio and get smacked to fishbowls? Call the crew, get some brews and enjoy the warm weather views!

2.) Train the porcupine-human hybrids to juggle on command:
How fucking sick would it be if Tito could fucking juggle? Schedule your time out of studying the creation of dark matter, learning to drive manual and blackmailing the senator for money to research more into the new super species you’ve been developing to show Tito how to juggle six flaming bowling pins. With his ever-expanding learning capabilities, he should pick it up in no time and probably within days. He’s a quick learner and you should take advantage of it.

1.) Teach the porcupine-human hybrid babies how to love:
Okay, so maybe your teaching methods have been very grueling and the idea of teaching Tito has been more so episodes of conditioning than actual teaching. Now, he’s turning into a very bitter animal and you should probably start showing a little more affection for him to actually like you. Start teaching him what it’s like to be a loving parent and maybe he’ll catch onto the trend. Turn the electric shocks into hugs and pet him more. Still watch out for the spikes though, he might turn on you after learning deception.

So get out there and enjoy the spring weather!

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