4 Things We’re APPARENTLY Not Allowed to Spray Paint Onto the University House

author-pic at University of Maryland  

Things got a little out of hand last night. Did we make some bad decisions? Yes, of course. We realize now that we never should have broken into Jimenez Hall, drained the fountain, or tried to burn down McKeldin Library. Obviously, we deeply regret our involvement in all of those… incidents. But all of the sudden, we’re being told that it’s “strongly frowned upon” to spray paint a couple of things onto the University House? Are you kidding? None of it was even that bad! For example:

4.) A Highly Detailed and Labeled Diagram of a Vulva:
This is an institute of higher learning, is it not? Students should be expected to expand their knowledge at every opportunity. So why not let our diagram teach people what the labia minora is, or where to find the urethra, or which part is the carburetor? Okay, to be fair, we never said it was accurate. You know what? That’s probably exactly why they’re so mad about this whole thing. It still feels like a huge overreaction, though. Did you hear how many hours of community service they want us to do?

3.) The Map to Testudo’s Treasure:
You know what? This is definitely the one that made them really angry. I mean, we took up the entire back of the house for this one. And it’s not like we didn’t know that there would be penalties for revealing the secret location of Testudo’s treasure chest. Loh has been trying to keep it hidden for years, and here we went and basically told the whole campus that it’s buried in the middle of Ludwig Field. In our defense, though, there really should be some sort of sign warning people that they don’t want the house spray painted. How else could we know?

2.) The Phrase “Wally Loh Blows Loads O’ Chodes, Bros”:
Okay, this one is honestly pretty understandable. Even though he doesn’t technically live there, President Loh still uses the University House to hold dinners and various other social functions. It makes sense that he wouldn’t want anyone to see these words stenciled onto the front door. After all, they might not understand that it’s a joke. Still, that doesn’t mean that his reaction was warranted. I mean, he shouted at us for hours over this innocent mistake! Do they expect us to just magically know that he doesn’t want the world to think he blows chodes? That’s an absurd expectation.

1.) Father’s Visage:
This one stumps us. The side of the University House seemed to be the perfect spot for Father’s glowering countenance. Truly it would be everything he desires, and what is our purpose in life if not to please Father? We will happily remove all of the other words, maps, and crude diagrams that we painted, but we beg you to allow Father’s stoic mien to remain, Loh! We are at fault, not Father. Do not punish him for our transgressions, please. Otherwise, we shall be forced to figure out a new birthday present for him, and, frankly, that’s bullshit. We eagerly await your response.

 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.