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4 Healthy Things Every Terp Should Pretend They’ll Do This Year

We can confidently say that by midterms, 78.5% of the student body (we stake our credibility as a serious news source on that number–it was drawn from an exhaustive half hour of research in Ellicott and Cumberland) is going to be functioning on that precarious cocktail of caffeine and fear. Still, it’s important to plan that healthy, balanced lifestyle before you inevitably abandon it for junk food and consecutive all-nighters. Creating the illusion of a better, fuller existence is incredibly enriching. We’ve compiled a list of 4 healthy life habits that require too much effort to do regularly but are very rewarding to experiment with.

4.) Doing Your Assignments on Time:Top 4 UMD - submitWhen your professor first posts the syllabus on Elms (or, if they still follow the curious and antiquated customs of a pre-internet society, gives you a hardcopy printed on this substance called paper), at least pretend to read it. Or if you don’t read it, then run your eyeballs up and down the pages and pretend to absorb it. Write the deadlines for major assignments in your planner. Pretend–no, don’t just pretend, actually convince yourself–that you’ll start your essays well before they’re due. Take note of the Writing Center’s number, as if you’ll actually end up writing the bulk of the paper more than 10 hours before it’s due.

3.) Hitting Eppley:Top 4 UMD- Eppley

Keeping your promise to get in better shape–what a drag. Nothing beats that phenomenally uplifting, feel-good moment of making the promise in the first place! “I am going to get in shape”–those 8 syllables are possibly the most life-affirming in the English language. It fills you with hope. It makes you feel ambitious. It shoots adrenaline and self-esteem into your veins like crack. Stepping into Eppley, clad in your expensive new shoes and yoga pants–it has all the excitement of prom, with none of the stage fright or pressure to pretend that you like your date

2.) Eating Healthy Foods:Top 4 UMD- Healthy eating
Let’s face it, no one applied to College Park for the beautiful campus or stellar academics–you all came here for the ice cream. Who can resist a college campus that has its own dairy and produces fresh ice cream daily? Since it would be plain rude to give up on that ice cream entirely–how else do you expect to show support the local cows?–we suggest that you go an entire three days sans UMD ice cream. Sure, it’ll be an incredibly painful three days for your tastebuds, but that’s part of the beauty of this exercise–three days without UMD ice cream requires more willpower, focus, and self discipline than a month of normal dieting. We guarantee that this experience will leave you glowing with self-righteousness and an ego-boosting sense of martyrdom.

1.) Finishing things You Start:
Whether it’s a bowl of greens from the salad bar, that first draft of a paper, or a list of healthy habits, we can all agree that it’s important to finish the things you sta–


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