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Productive Things You Think You’ll Do Over Maryland’s Spring Break (But Won’t)


Ah, spring break. A whole week without classes, diner food, or the sound of your roommate having sex. This is a great time to be productive and get things done, right? Ha! Spring break is where plans, productivity, and overall responsibility go to die. We recommend that you remove these five items from your to-do list immediately—why set yourself up for failure?


5.) Catch Up with Old Friends:



“I’m back home for a whole week! This is the perfect time to meet up!” Yeah, not happening. Thanks to UMD’s weird calendar, chances are that yours and your friends’ breaks won’t even overlap by more than a day—they’ll be leaving just as you’re coming. On the plus side, you’ll be able to watch them pack up and cry about school while you smugly contemplate your week of freedom. We don’t recommend rubbing it in their faces too much, though—after all, you want them to still be your friend by the time summer rolls around.


4.) Get Ahead on Homework:



Chances are you’re behind on reading, studying, projects, and a thousand other things. You probably telling yourself that you can’t wait to get cracking and catch up on all that pesky work. Unfortunately, this responsible pipe dream has one giant flaw: you’re behind in the first place because you’re an irresponsible procrastinator like the rest of us, and that’s not going to change just because you don’t have class for a week. You might as well leave your textbooks in the dorm—it’s not like you’re going to open them once you go home. (Unless you plan on leaving them laying around the house to convince your parents that you’re getting things done.)


3.) Not Fight With Your Family:



Your parents are wonderful people . . . in theory. In reality, they remind you why living on a college campus is so great in the first place. Someone’s bound to snap—it’s just a question of who, when, and why. Maybe the first shots will be fired on the car ride home, when Mom finds out you flunked a midterm. Or she’ll ask one too many times why you’re still single. Someone will make a casually racist comment at the dinner table, or fail to understand that it’s perfectly normal for you to sleep in until 2 p.m. Just be sure to do your laundry and cook a few nice meals before the shouting begins!


2.) Get a Tan:



We know you’re dying to soak up some Vitamin D, but if you’re spending break in Maryland, that’s just not gonna happen. Here, “spring” is just a fancy word for “weather that should be warm but doesn’t have its shit together.” We don’t recommend going to the beach this weekend unless you’re looking to pick up some hypothermia. Realistically, you’re going to curl up on your childhood bed under five blankets, drink cocoa, and binge-watch Netflix—in other words, there’s literally no difference between December and March.


1.) Pick up a Hobby/Skill/Interest:



“I’d be the greatest pianist/calligraphist/linguist in the world if I had time . . . I’ll do that over spring break!” Sure, fantasies like this keep us going during the school year, but they only shatter once we’re faced with actual free time. Using your brain and being productive becomes a lot less appealing when you realize that there are entire seasons of Netflix that still need to be watched. But don’t worry—break will be over soon and you’ll be right back to pining for down-time and pretending that the next break will be the time you finally become the person you’re meant to be. Of course it will.




WATCH: We hit the streets of Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day Parade to see how woke people were.


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