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6 Things You Need to Do Before Getting the Hell Out of College Park

We know you’ve been busy stress eating and scrolling through your phone with Cheeto dust-covered fingers, but whether you’re a graduating senior or a freshman with three years of suffering left, there are just some things that need to be done before you leave College Park. 

6.) Visit Lake Artemesia:

Who knew there was nature and beauty anywhere near College Park? We had no idea until we stumbled across the lake. A great way to procrastinate studying for finals is to try and catch the one living creature in the lake, or walk around and look for dead bodies in the woods. Hey, you might just get lucky and find both.

5.) Have Sex in the Stacks:

You already knew this would be on here. Shacking up in the stacks can be found on any stereotypical UMD bucket list, so ours wouldn’t be complete without it. The sixth and seventh floors of McKeldin are perfect for a quickie in between studying sessions. You just better hope that some poor student doesn’t get ambitious and start looking for Animal Farm while you’re banging. George Orwell always ruins the mood. 

4.) Steal a Full Set of Dishes and Silverware from the Diner:

If you’re unfortunate enough to still have access to any of the on-campus diners, you might as well make the worst of a bad situation and gain something useful from your overpriced dining plan. Nothing screams, “I’m a broke college student!” more than using the diner’s signature red plastic cups and bent forks as fine China in your new apartment.

3.) Have a Perfect Week of Going Out:

Ordinary people might only go out on Thursday and Friday. Ambitious young alcoholics, though, know that almost every day of the week has a bar special: drafts and rails at Cornerstone on Sundays and Wednesdays, $2 Tuesdays and Fishbowl Fridays at Turf, and Thirsty Thursdays at Bents. As for the other days, you’ll just have to learn how to be social and go out to frat parties.

2.) Leave a Massive Sacrifice to Testudo:

While giving up half of a handle of vodka or your venti-latte-macchiato-frappe Starbucks drink may seem like major sacrifices, we can assure you that your weak offerings are why you fail at least one final every semester. Go hard or go home, and then bring your home back to Testudo. Couches, toilets, even Christmas trees! The bigger, the better. The power of Testudo is real.

1.) Pass a Class:

If you’re graduating, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve passed at least one class to make it this far. Actually going to your classes, doing work, and just being anything but your lazy and unproductive self might help you pass, but frantically calculating how to pass by getting a 204% on your final exam is enough of an attempt on its own. Remember: Cs get degrees. Just pray you’re not in a hard major, cause in that case you’re screwed.

You only have a few days left to squeeze in all of these necessities. If you try as hard as you’ve tried to study, then you might not make it through the list. But if you try a little less hard, you might be able to get through all six by the end of the semester. 

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