UMD is home to 800+ clubs and campus groups that span a variety of interests from slacklining to origami to Fantasy Sports Analytics (whatever that means). Some of these groups are rarely seen in action, while others sometimes physically assault you in the street with their pamphlets. One club just popped into your head, didn’t it? Either way, here are The Black Sheep’s top picks for clubs that can be “too damn noisy” on campus.
6.) ResLife— The group that does the most, but in a bad way:
Okay, ResLife, we get it. It’s like, your number one prescribed function to plan “dope” events for students who live on campus. But can’t you take care of the issues that are actually affecting dorm life? For starters, maybe you guys could exchange a pancake party for a seminar on how to replace the toilet paper when it’s out, or how to keep the weed smoke inside your dorm room. These are the things that really matter to us. We don’t care about who can win a stupid lip sync contest.
5.) MaryPIRG— Will (possibly) physically harm you:
It’s truly a shame that they had to make this list, considering the nobility of their cause. However, there’s no group more likely to harass students on Campus Drive than Mary goddamn PIRG. Be it the evils of SeaWorld, or children dying, they’re always popping TF off about something. Dear MaryPIRG, your 1.5 billion posters are enough, and I will highly consider going vegan if you just please just leave me alone.
4.) Any kind of do-something-a-thon— Please leave me alone:
Thankfully, the season of constantly seeing Facebook posts asking people to donate to their Venmo is over and we can all forget about these annoying ass groups. They really try to nab you when you’re walking in and out of the diners, but what do-something-a-thon members don’t understand is that when they ask “have you signed up for our -insert event name here-?” and people reply, “yes!”, THEY ARE LYING TO ESCAPE AND GO ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS. No one, no matter how hard they smile and how excited they seem, who really wants to fucking dance for 12 hours? Do-something-a-thon 2019 is cancelled. Next.
3.) The Bible study groups…all 18 of them:
The Black Sheep hates to break it to you, Catholic Terps, but no one reads your sidewalk chalk messages. Also, is that actually an effective recruiting technique? As for the other 17 bible study groups, don’t you guys have somewhere to be during the hours of 12-2 p.m. when you’re shouting about how we all need to save our souls? Don’t you realize that we’ve all given up on this task already? Just wondering.
2.) The Greeks— Too damn noisy:
The Greek Terps never miss an opportunity to tell you about their sorority/fraternity, even if you didn’t ask them a single damn thing. They must think everyone is genuinely interested in their latest messy drunk story, or that you desperately wanted to hear about that time they were featured on Barstool UMD. Sadly, Chad from Sigma Kappa Applesauce, we really don’t care.
1.) Green Terps— Number one for a reason:
Arriving at number one for “UMD Groups That Are Too Active,” we have the widely-known, and dare we say, deeply-resented Green Terps Club. These guys really just have no boundaries. They’ll post their literature in dorms, bathrooms, lecture halls, and maybe even on your mom. The Black Sheep has a few messages for you, Green Terps: No, we aren’t interested in making our own ~green~ cleaner, no, we don’t want to learn about composting, and no, we don’t care about our carbon footprints.
Listen, we love charity and the environment, and it’s cool if you’re into Jesus, but if we wanted to be part of it all we would. Some of us are just trying to slide through here with our sanity intact.