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7 Hells of Lutherville-Timonium, Maryland

 

Baltimore City may be the land of pleasant living; but just ten miles north, Lutherville-Timonium can sometimes be a land of living hells.

 

7.) Your Parents’ House:  
Coming home for the summer is always exciting because you get to jump from one stressful hellhole to a completely different, yet equally as stressful hellhole. Except this one is on Seminary Avenue in a residential neighborhood in Maryland; and instead of taking a walk into town or through campus, you get to hike up a hill on a busy road for fun. Also, your parents live there.

 

6.) “Southerners”:
These people like to lean on the fact that yes, Maryland is below the Mason-Dixon, despite its identity as a pretty progressive, north-ish state. You can usually find them driving up and down Falls Road in pickup trucks talking loudly about huntin’, fishin’, and muddin’. Bonus points if they’re actually from Hereford and got lost over here because they don’t know how Google Maps works.

 

5.) Hightops, A.K.A., All The High School People You Would Rather Not See This Summer Gathered in One Place:
Since it’s the only cool bar outside of Baltimore, everyone and their old high school friends likes to drink here when they come home to visit. It’s the Lutherville mecca of teenage regression, where old grudges and fights from 2012 come alive again with that same blind 16-year-old fury.

 

4.) The Lightrail, Pre- and Post-Orioles Game:
Back in high school, taking the light rail to student night games was the shit. Now it’s an embarrassing reminder of how you thought you were doing a really good job of pretending you were sober between the Mt. Washington stop and the city while everyone else saw a blacked-out Dulaney kid yelling about Chipotle, or whatever.

 

3.) Brynn Mawr, Gilman, Roland Park, St. Paul’s, Boy’s Latin, Maryvale, Loyola Blakefield, and NDP High Schoolers:
Whether they’ve graduated yet or not, these private schoolers make most Lutherville-Timonium residents cringe (see #6). They applied to the University of South Carolina, and wear each other’s apparel in that weird, incestuous private-schooler way. They also have a knack for getting expelled for doing dumb shit like getting high and driving their range rovers onto their school’s newly groomed grass lacrosse fields (*cough…St. Paul’s…cough*).

 

2.) Baltimore Country Club Snobs:
These are the white people that other white people love to hate. The Baltimore Country Club is a cesspool filled with obnoxiously loud Lily Pulitzer-patterned everything and people who are mean to waiters (see #3).

 

1.) Towson Hot Bagel Closing at 5 p.m. Every Day:
Life just isn’t fair sometimes. THB swooped in and rescued us all from the living nightmare that was Bagel Works on York Road, only to close their doors hours before we’re ready for that to happen.  Every. Single. Day.

 

Maryland is pretty awesome, and we may brag about it to all of our out-of-state friends from time to time; but being back home in the good ol’ 21093 for too long can reveal some pretty shitty truths about our hometown. At least our flag is still dope.

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