7 Things That Piss Off Every Terp
Everyone knows that students here at UMD are generally chill and unbothered people. However, everybody has their breaking point. In order to help you avoid reaching yours, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of all the things most likely to piss off any Terp at any time, nearly anywhere:
7.) The Slow Crawl of That One Elevator in McKeldin:
If you’ve ever set foot in McKeldin, you know exactly which elevator is the champ at pissing off both students trying to get to the seventh floor to cram for their midterms and horny couples trying to bang in the stacks because it’s “kinky” and “on their bucket list.” You may actually die during the wait.
6.) Tour Groups:
They travel in packs of 30, they block entire sidewalks, and they give you shocked looks when you’re taking a walk of shame home at 9:30 in the morning. Don’t even get us started on when they all go to Stamp for lunch and triple the length of every line on the one day you can actually afford to get Chick-fil-A but don’t have time to wait for it.
5.) The Line at Bent’s on Thursdays:
You know that feeling when you’re craving a cheap, watered down drink, but you have to wait forever on the side of Route 1, either melting or freezing in the time it takes for you to reach the front of the line, only to get turned away because your fake ID looks too fake? Us too. Even if you do get in, you’ve probably lost some of your buzz and now need to buy even more cheap, watered down drinks to make up for it.
4.) The Diner Food:
There’s nothing that Maryland freshmen love complaining about more than the diner food. Which is fair: it’s the same stuff every day, it’s usually not cooked well, and sometimes they find ants in the salad bar. This universal hatred for the diner brings all freshmen together, except for Brian McLintock from Elkton, who told us that “it’s kinda good sometimes.” Fuck you, Brian, and your terrible taste, too.
3.) People Who Don’t Believe in the Power of Testudo:
Rumor has it that they tell all tour groups both that leaving a sacrifice to Testudo has been proven to raise GPAs by a tenth of a percent and that rubbing his nose is lucky. The Black Sheep can neither confirm nor deny the GPA raise, but any Maryland student can attest to feeling just a little luckier after giving ol’ Testudo’s bronze nose a rub. Anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar (we’re looking at you, Brian McLintock).
2.) The Wi-Fi:
Despite the name, we think that umd-secure might feel a bit insecure about its ability to function as a normal Wi-Fi network, which is why it decides to just not function at all. The umd network has proven to be more reliable, but only by the tiniest amount. If you’re trying to be productive while using the internet, you’re better off going to Starbucks. Or really anywhere that’s not UMD.
Two words: Fuck DOTS. There’s no better way to ruin a Terp’s day than finding that deceivingly cheery-looking yellow citation under your windshield wipers and realizing you now have to pay $75 for parking in the wrong lot for three minutes. People who work for DOTS are naturally sadistic, and they probably love making children (and broke college students) cry (that means you, Brian McLintock. Quit sobbing and clean yourself up. You look like a goddamn mess.)