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A Message From UMD’s Newest Dating Service,

This post is brought to you by fictional dating site, 

Are you on the hunt for your better half? Do you spend your nights alone on the couch with an empty pizza box by your side? If you answered yes to either of those questions, you’re a perfect candidate for!

Searching for your UMD soulmate can be tough, but it doesn’t have to be! A recent survey found that one in four Terps is currently looking for a relationship, while two in four of them are already in one and perhaps looking for something on the side!

In College Park, the opportunities are endless, and that’s why we’re here!

Serving UMD’s up-and-coming online community, allows UMD students, TA’s, and heck, even some professors, to interact on a secure and discrete, but romantic level. We know you fell in love with your math 140 TA last year and we want to help you make that dream a reality. Maybe they’re waiting to match with you on right now! So shoot your shot!

But let us guide your aim.

Using special patented technology, is able to match you with other UMD singles who share similar interests. We study your sleeping, eating, and drinking habits and cross-reference them with those of a potential match to statistically ensure the success of your relationship.

After all, Terps come from diverse backgrounds, perspectives, and skill-sets. So even if you’ve never spoken to a real girl before, our online tutors can provide helpful tips and tricks to guide you through the cuffing process.

Additionally, is equipped with state-of-the-art features, like private messaging and cash-sending tools! Never before has it been so easy to bribe your way into a College Park babe’s life. We hope you’ll make ethical decisions on our website, but luckily, we aren’t liable either way!

So, why wait? If you sign up within the next two weeks, we’ll send you a Lotsa coupon to use on your new boo (valid through Sept. 25). We accept most major credit cards, and offer automatic account billing on a bimonthly basis.

But hurry fast, our servers are filling up, and the love of your life isn’t gonna wait for your lazy ass forever!

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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