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BREAKING: One Whole Day Goes by Without UMD Alerts

 

The College Park community gathered in victory yesterday to celebrate an incredible accomplishment. For the first time in seven years, one entire day went by without a UMD Alert.

President Loh took the stage on McKeldin Mall in the afternoon to discusses the school’s achievement.

“I’ll be honest, I have no idea what we did right,” exclaimed President Loh. “Regardless, I would now like to take full credit for the first 24-hour period of my seven-year tenure with no crime.”

“It’s relieving to feel safe for once, and not have to worry about being involved in the next UMD Alert,” junior Grace Cole told reporters. “Every night I worry about a nude man trying to work out with me, or bears invading my housing community. But tonight? Tonight I have a sense of security.”

“This blows,” physics professor Charlie Wayne told The Black Sheep. “Every Friday night I stay up drinking, waiting for a UMD Alert about some stupid shit my students did, but last night there was nothing! All I could do was think about how much I miss my wife.”

“Can you let her know I still love her?” Wayne added. “Jenny, if you’re reading this, I still love you! Come home!”

“I’m honestly surprised there were no UMD Alerts yesterday,” freshman Pete Water told reporters. “I’ve been in two UMD Alerts already and was gunning for number three last night. The only thing I remember was getting dropped by the bouncer at Bents, but I could have sworn I jumped some nerd on the way back to my dorm.”

At press time, the naked workout man had made a triumphant return to the world of UMD Alerts, ending College Park’s record streak of 27 hours without an UMD Alert. 

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