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5 Things That Didn’t Change About College Park Over The Summer, Even Though You Wanted Them To

Over the summer, some new changes have taken hold at UMD. But nothing that you REALLY wanted to be different has changed. And we think that’s a bummer. So without further ado, here are 5 things that haven’t changed a bit in College Park, even though you definitely wanted them to.

5.) The same three shitty wifi networks:

There’s nothing “secure” about the wifi in College Park. And you’d think that with all of the other campus improvements going on, someone might think to upgrade the one bar of internet service that every UMD student loves to fight over. UMD-Secure, you never fail to crash our laptops and erase our papers when we need them the most. Keep dreaming on this one, Terps.

4.) The bikers:

Oh, yes, they’re back. Despite popular demand, Terps who bike are returning to campus this semester. We can’t blame you for trying to reduce your carbon footprint, or for seeking convenient transportation across UMD’s sprawling campus, bikers. But we do take fault with your lack of turn signals, dorky helmets, and reckless endangerment of human life. Ya’ll are just pests. Perhaps consider a motorized scooter with a blinker, as pictured on the left.

Romwe Generic Fall & Winter

3.) Confusing parking signs:

Ha, you must’ve thought UMD had available parking spots! Well they do, kinda. Only between the hours of 3-6 a.m., on alternating Wednesdays, if the sky is clear, and the moss is growing on the North side of Cole Field House. But those rules only apply if you’re a member of UMD faculty or staff. You want student parking? You’ll probably have to sell your soul to satan first. Or buy a bike. Same thing really.

2.) Stamp Hill:

Although it’s perfect for sweating out the previous night’s vodka sours, climbing Stamp Hill is just enough of an inconvenience to make you want to drop that class at the top of it. And that aching in your calves and heavy breathing won’t be relieved this semester. Stamp Hill is always gonna be there, separating you and that #1 meal from chick fil a.

1.) Construction fucking everywhere!!!:

Surprisingly, ubiquitous construction zones DO NOT add to the aesthetic qualities of College Park. They’re ugly and dysfunctional. If you’re reading this, take one for the team and fall into a pit this week, would ya? Maybe Loh would finally put down the campus jackhammer! Oh, and the purple line just called and said “Lol, I own Lot 1 now, bitch.”

So saddle up, Terps, cuz it’s gonna be another wild and ridiculous year in good ol’ College Park. 

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