DJ Durkin Now Recruiting Senior Citizens for Maryland’s Football Team

author-pic at University of Maryland  

The University of Maryland’s head football coach, DJ Durkin, caused a stir this week when he was spotted running football drills in Prince George’s County nursing homes. Witnesses of these events say that Durkin, along with the rest of his staff, had residents running the 40-yard dash, completing the high jump, and bench pressing 225 as many times as possible, among other tests.

“I’ve never seen so my dad move so fast,” Ronald Johnson, the son of one 71-year-old combine participant, told reporters, as he watched his father participate in the 3-cone drill. “And, to be honest, I’m surprised he can even walk that far.”

The Black Sheep had the chance to speak with Coach Durkin about why he chose to begin recruiting at a nursing home.

“Well, South Carolina State just had Joe Thomas Sr. go on at running back and he’s 55. So at this point, we’ll take anyone we can get,” Durkin says. “I mean, we barely beat Rutgers. Fucking Rutgers, dude. I don’t see how we could get any worse.”

Coach Durkin went on to say how impressed he was by a few of the participants and that he has began to actively recruit some of them.

“We found this gentleman who ran faster than anyone I’ve ever seen, though we did have to coax him a little,” Durkin exclaimed, as he pulled out a summary of 76-year-old Arnie Stephens’ statistics. “The guy ran a 4.29 second 40-yard dash, but he didn’t really get moving until we told him that M*A*S*H had just started on TV Land.”

When The Black Sheep reached out to Arnie Stephens for a comment, all he had to say was “Where the hell am I?” before falling back to sleep, mumbling about the war.

At press time, Coach Durkin was last seen walking towards the university’s Center for Young Children, stating that he “needs to see if any of these lil’ fuckers can tackle.”

You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?