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UMD To Rent Out DJ Durkin’s Vacant Office To Help Solve Dorm Overcrowding

The Black Sheep has been informed by an inside source of UMD President Wally “we solve our issues with turtle pins” Loh’s new proposal to help remedy the University of Maryland housing overcrowding: renting out head coach DJ Durkin’s vacant office to freshmen who need dorms.

This exclusive report comes straight from the mouth of Wally Loh’s secretary’s brother-in-law.

“As many Terps know, coach DJ Durkin is on administrative leave at the university and may potentially be terminated in the near future,” said a UMD housing spokesperson. “Given that his office is now open, Loh would like to convert it into a freshmen dorm, call it “The Durkin Zone, and offer it to eight incoming freshmen for the price of $1,500 per month. Each.”

The new proposal comes on the heels of “Dormgate,” known by others as “prolly the second dumbest thing this schools done this summer.” Dormgate has forced the school to take some drastic measures in order to ensure that no freshmen—many of whom are unsure of their housing status—end up homeless or living with the squirrels.

This isn’t the first propsal Loh has proposed to combat the overcrowding.

Loh has received much criticism for his “octuple-decker-bunked bed” proposal, which would convert all current freshmen dorms into forced octuple dorms (each room containing a set of eight beds stacked on top of each other). The plan has since been scrapped for being, as a health inspector put it, “too unlivable, even by freshmen dorm standards.”

Loh hopes that because Durkin is such an (in)famous figure at the university, “The Durkin Zone” will be very desirable to many incoming students.

The Black Sheep also asked the insider on what Loh plans to do with the extra income from “The Durkin Zone”; the insider has alleged that Loh plans to spend it on “sports and other useless shit.”

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