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‘Don’t Come to Class If You’re Sick,’ Says UMD Professor Who Doesn’t Post Lectures Online

In the wake of the rise of this season’s especially terrible flu, dubbed by some as “Flumageddon 3: The Fall of My Will to Live” (or as “H3N2” to some hipsters), many Terps have become worried of becoming infected and subsequently hurting their already pathetic GPA.

Many professors have placed several classroom policies in order to deter the spread of the flu. Approximately 45% of UMD professors have enforced a zero-tolerance flu policy which states: “no shoes, no immune system, no pants, no learning.”

The most controversial of these policies is the “one strike, you ain’t alright, get outta the class Mike” policy. This policy gives professors permission to kick students out of class if the student sneezes at least once within hearing distance from the professor. The policy also allows professors the ability to give XFs to any student who refuses to leave.

“Don’t worry though,” said Doctor Smith H. Robert, a professor at the Robert H. Smith School of Business. “Students won’t be penalized for failing to show up to class. Myself and many other professors at the university will be increasing the number of allowed absent days.”

Professor Clark James Alfred of the A. James Clark School of Engineering confirmed this, saying “No student should have to be punished for something they cannot control.”

However, both Robert and Clark indicated they would not post any lecture recordings or slides on ELMS, nor would they allow students to record their lectures.

“It would be unfair to the students that actually come to class,” said Clark. “It would encourage more students to skip class. When students skip class, I don’t feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.”

When I don’t feel good about myself, I write tests that I know even grad students couldn’t do,” he continued. “So, you see, posting slides and videos to ELMS just wouldn’t be a viable option.”

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