You know that big-headed, arrogant tool in your GVPT241 class that just can’t shut up? We’ll call him John, and Johnny’s always got his hand up and his mouth running, and no matter what your professor says, he’s gotta argue about it. Well, we know you’re getting tired of watching him spout off his daily round of bullshit, so we checked out some of his claims and the results are all but surprising.
5.) He said he interned for the White House last summer:
Well, last week The Black Sheep paid his mom a phone call to verify Johnny’s statements, and though she could not corroborate his claim, she, too, admitted that he was truly the fucking worst. What did he actually spend last summer doing? According to his own mother: “Hanging around Vape Exchange on Route 1, trying to make friends with the other local wash-ups.” She even sent over a package of embarrassing baby photos for us to post around Stamp. Thanks, Karen.
4). He says he’s a dedicated #Vegan4Lyfe:
Probably the worst thing about John is that he pretends to be one of those crunchy vegan environmentalist types. His collection of “Save the Manatees” T-shirts might have you thinking he gives a fuck about the Earth, but further research shows otherwise. Last Tuesday we saw him smashing McNuggets at Stamp. And according to some of our confidential sources, he held a funeral for Five Guys when it closed last semester.
3). He said he’s been on President Loh’s yacht:
President Loh is his uncle, he says. When Johnny was born, President Loh allegedly gifted him a one-of-a-kind diamond-encrusted Testudo onesie. Uh, that sounds fake, but okay Johnny. Loh’s comments on the matter are as follows: “Where’s my assistant? I thought I told you to put a restraining order on that kid last year!”
2). He voted for Obama in 2008 (when he was 12?), and he wants everyone to know that…:
He helped canvass the streets of over 40 towns, also. Yeah, right, dude – weren’t we all like 12 in 2008? You must’ve been one eager voting beaver. Weren’t you actually off saving the American economy from the recession, or applying early to College Park? We don’t even have to disprove this one.
1.) He doesn’t need to take notes because he has a photographic memory:
Or the more likely scenario is that you’re one C- away from flunking out of the university and joining the circus. We all would love to see it. So keep up the good work, Johnny. If you really had that photographic memory, maybe you’d remember everything about your epic fake life.
The point is that this kid never has anything valuable to contribute to class discussions. And now that his character has been hugely discredited, the next time he stands on his chair and starts yelling about “global warming,” we hope you have the balls to stand up and yell back at him, “IT’S CALLED CLIMATE CHANGE, YOU STUPID FUCK!”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: