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Flu Season Making Terps Slower Than Ever

On January 29th, the University Health Center released an official email stating the following: “Influenza is a respiratory illness with sudden symptoms that can include high fever, body aches, headache and cough.” But, they failed to truthfully address UMD’s current health status. What they didn’t say is that the flu has been ravaging campus for weeks, tallying up more bodies than the brothers of Delta Iota Kappa and no one is safe.

What first presents as an innocent case of the sniffles quickly spirals into a full-blown coma, according to some Terps. From Leonardtown to Ellicott, this wildfire epidemic won’t spare any student in its path.

One source told The Black Sheep that her roommate was rushed to the health center in an ambulance after she was found choking on a large glob of her own mucus. Doctors say that once removed, that glob of mucus measured larger than a Callaway golf ball, but according to the student, “that wasn’t even the biggest thing that’s ever been in my mouth.”

Along with extreme sinus blockages, Terps have also reported crackling lungs and pounding migraines. Though these symptoms are typically indicative of a night well-spent at Bent’s, UMD students are disappointed to find that chugging a liter of Pedialyte will not cure them this time.

And that’s not the only thing they’re chugging: One report detailed a freshman who downed a whole bottle of hand sanitizer, attempting to be so clean that he wouldn’t catch that contagious plague. The poor kid blinded himself but stated that he “would do it again if it meant avoiding that bitch of a flu!”

With germs in the air at Maryland, local businesses are in a position of dire economic strain. The owner of Turf has stated that he is willing to waive all cover fees and offer drinks at discounted prices if he could just fill the place. “Hell, I’ll even let freshmen in,” he stated in an interview last Sunday. “Well, more, anyway.” 

 

From our remote flu bunker, The Black Sheep wishes you good luck and reminds you that there is nothing slower than a sick Terp, so be safe out there, kids.

 

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