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Maryland Students Start 63 More Fires in Attempt to Get Another Day Off


After Monday’s classes were cancelled due to the low air quality caused by the fire at the Fuse 47 apartment complex, some Terps seem to have been struck with inspiration. According to University of Maryland officials, as of 10:30 a.m. Tuesday morning, sixty-three more fires had been started by students hoping to get another day off.


“We’re all familiar with students praying for snow days, but these are the most extreme measures we’ve ever seen them take in pursuit of a day off,” UMD spokesperson Marcus Waters told reporters. “We’ve had to put out thirteen fires in the Clarice alone this morning. I mean, where does it end?”


“I am shocked and dismayed to see what little regard these students have for the lives they’re putting in danger here,” said local fire marshal Erin Coyle. “We’ve had to put out sixteen fires in McKeldin, twelve in the Diner, eight in the radio station, seven in Elkton alone, and six just out in the middle of Lot 1.”


“I’m not even sure what they thought would catch on fire out there,” added Coyle.


“These students are animals! They have no sense of decency,” University President Wallace Loh complained to The Black Sheep. “I’d say that we should keep them at the farm instead of the livestock, but someone already burned it down.”


“I just don’t know when all of this madness is—aw, shit. I’ve got to go,” added Loh. “A freshman just set me ablaze.”



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