UMD Professor Currently 14 Minutes Late to Class
Students in Doug Friedman’s CCJS discussion have informed reporters today that, despite the course’s listed start time of 10:00 in the morning, Friedman had still not arrived as of 10:14 a.m.
“Oh man. Just one more minute, and class is officially cancelled,” senior computer science major Tim Reynolds told The Black Sheep. “I just keep picturing the nap I’m going to take if he doesn’t make it here in time.”
“If he does, though,” Reynolds added, “I’m gonna lose it. We all are.”
Plenty of Reynolds’ classmates shared his excitement.
“This is a big deal, guys,” junior microbiology major Karen Joyce told reporters. “Doug is always here ten minutes early. If he’s already this late, there’s no way he’s going to show up. I think I might actually have time to eat lunch today!”
“But if he shows up,” added Joyce, “Some motherfucker better physically restrain me.”
Others in the class, though, seemed less enthusiastic about Friedman’s tardiness, especially junior economics major Trevor Mendel.
“This is my only class of the day, so I’m gonna be pretty annoyed if I got dressed and caught the bus to campus for nothing,” Mendel said. “Still, at least class would be cancelled.”
“But if we have to sit through even a single PowerPoint slide,” Mendel grimly added, “I don’t know that I’ll be able to resist the urge to literally tear his body apart, limb by limb, until his viscera coat the room.”
Unfortunately for students, Friedman entered the room at precisely 10:14:58. As of press time, he had not been heard from since.
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