Report: 73% of Terps Ready to Give Up

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A shocking new report released by the University of Maryland administration revealed that an unbelievable 73% of current undergraduate students are nearly at their breaking points. Many of the students reported that these feelings were the result of stress from an excessive amount of homework, a lack of free time, or simply the increasingly large stack of unpaid DOTS tickets currently on their desks.

The study, conducted over the past two weeks, alarmed many members of the campus community.

“While we were aware that students often have a hard time readjusting to the rhythms of life at Maryland in the weeks after spring break, we have never seen so many Terps ready to throw in the towel at once,” said Deanne Richardson, a spokesperson for the university.

“I’ve been hanging on for a bit longer than I expected,” junior Seth Glaser told The Black Sheep. “But I think it’s partially because, once a week, my friends and I reserve a study room in McKeldin and just cry it all out. That’s pretty much all that keeps us going these days.”

Still, not every student is getting the urge to just succumb to their urges and leave it all behind.

“I don’t get what everyone is talking about! This is my favorite time of year,” sophomore Norm Johnson told reporters. “There’s just something so rewarding about throwing yourself into your work like that, you know what I mean?”

“I should ask my friends what the big deal is,” Johnson added, right before remembering that he has none.

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