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Report: Even Student Government Elections Not Clean


COLLEGE PARK, MD- News broke Thursday morning that even the Student Government Association election isn’t totally clean.


“The fucking Unity Party withdrew its entire goddam ticket from consideration after it was revealed that they did not report receiving material support from Turning Point USA, a nonprofit conservative group, for some dumb reason,” reported one informant.


Turning Point USA is an organization dedicated to encouraging conservative students to run for positions in university student governments, because of course they fucking are.


“Former Unity Party presidential candidate, Kay Barwell, claimed that the designs were a favor from her fiancé’s cousin, who apparently just so fucking happened to work for Turning Point,” our informant added. “However, that contradicts documents in the Diamondback’s possession, a sentence we never thought we’d write about a student government election.”


The frustration is clear in the tone of the students’ reporting of the subject. We typically view student government as amicable competition to gain experience together, but the students have been deprived of that innocence.


“We see the blatant corruption that exists in our University’s political climate and we sought to change it,” the former party leaders had the gall to write in a statement. “In doing so, we believed the ends justified the relatively harmless means,” they added, having probably managed to somehow convince themselves of its truth.


While many were disgusted to discover that even University of Maryland elections aren’t free from the influence of outside money, some students still managed to find a bright side to this whole shit-show.


“I would be a lot angrier,” junior Angela Carella explained to The Black Sheep. “But honestly? I think it’s done a lot to prepare us for the real world.”


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