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Testudo Indicted in Bribery Scandal


In a shocking turn of events, University of Maryland mascot, Testudo, was arrested Tuesday morning, after being accused of raising students’ grades in exchange for bribes. According to the accusations, the diamondback terrapin has been accepting these “offerings,” as students refer to them, since at least the 1990s.


“This sicko has been taking advantage of desperate Terps for too long,” University Police Chief Marco Cruz told reporters Tuesday. “For years, everyone on campus has known that if you’re in trouble come finals, there’s one guy you talk to. Now we’re putting an end to it.”


Some students were relieved to hear the news of the turtle’s arrest.


“Man, it used to be that you could get by with just dropping off a fifth of whiskey or a joint or something,” senior German major Sarah Hendricks told The Black Sheep. “But lately it feels like you’ve got to drag over a lamppost or a fully decorated Christmas tree just to get a five percent boost. It was unsustainable.”


Other students, who were less pleased with the turn of events, began protesting outside of the University Police Department.


“Look, is Testudo perfect? Of course not. He’s got flaws,” said sophomore computer science major Nabil Habib. “But right now, he’s the only place students can go for help that doesn’t require actual work. If you ask me, that’s something worth preserving.”


As of press time, confused and desperate students were reported to have left gifts outside Wallace Loh’s house.


When reached for comment, Loh told The Black Sheep, “No idea who put this shit on my front lawn, but it looks like I’m partying tonight! You gotta come through!”


Loh quickly added, “Be ready to throw down fives at the door, though.”




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