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The 5 Best Places to be Sexiled at UMD


Any Maryland tour guide will tell you the obvious and boring facts about campus, including the best places to get food, study, or toke up. Unfortunately, possibly the most vital information of all goes unmentioned: where should you go when sexiled? Nothing sucks more than being surprised by that sock on the door and realizing that you’re stranded. So if roomie’s getting it more regularly than you do, you’ll need to know the best places to retreat.


5.) Your Lounge- Gossip Girl Central:



It’s close, convenient, and full of people who are probably in the same boat. Feel free to complain loudly about the situation to each other. Convince your RA to start hosting floor events that create solidarity among the sexiled community. Who knows? Perhaps you and your fellow sufferers will forge relationships in this difficult time. Deep, close relationships that result in you sexiling your roommates for once.


4.) McKeldin Mall- Wholesome Fun in the Sun:



Mellifluous pan flute music, intense Quidditch games, people lounging in hammocks—the mall is always teeming with wholesome activities. Kick off your shoes, soak up some sunshine, and immerse yourself in a crowd of people having G-rated fun. It’ll even convince you that life can be full and rich without sex! (You won’t buy that one permanently, of course, but we’re all about the temporary solution here at The Black Sheep.)


3.) Terrapin’s Turf- Turn Up:



Instead of sitting around and moping over your bad fortune, why not try to get some action yourself? Grab a few drinks, hop on the dance floor, and see if you can’t score your own hookup. Maybe you can bring some of your friends from the lounge along, too. Bonus points if you bring someone home, knock on your door, and demand that your roommate get out because it’s your turn, damn it.


2.) Second Floor of McKeldin- Studying Beats Sex:


The best part about McKeldin is that, much like your roommate’s genitals, it’s available 24/7. With nothing better to do, you can actually get some studying done. We’d recommend avoiding the 6th and 7th floors, though—people hook up there a lot, and catching them might just make you more depressed. Alternatively, you can rent a laptop or iPad, watch some porn, and enjoy the fantasy that your sex life is more exciting than roomie’s.


1.) The Fountain- The Ultimate Cold Shower:



Sometimes distractions, unlike your roommate’s performance, prove inadequate. Reality is cold, dark, and celibate, and you just need to face it head-on. You crave a cold shower, but unfortunately, your clothes and shower caddy are inside your room. Luckily for you, McKeldin Mall has a shimmering fountain that was built for this express purpose. Jump in, let that freezing water purge your frustrated soul, and cross another item off your bucket list.


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