It’s 1 a.m., the streets are dark, and your drunken ass is wandering up and down Route 1 in search of sustenance. Unfortunately, you’ve spent all your money on, well, getting drunk. But fear not! Exhaustive research has proven that $3 is more than enough to feed a drunkard in College Park. Check out the best five places on Baltimore Avenue to bring your alcohol-lined stomach temporary peace:
You’ve got to love the pizza here—a single slice weighs more than the average newborn. Sadly, at $4 a slice, this cheesy treasure is outside your $3 budget. But fear not, Slices has fries for $2.99! And it’s not just your privilege to scarf down a serving of deep fried potatoes—it’s your civic duty as a drunk college student. Let’s face it: Slices wouldn’t exist without the patronage of drunk, desperate people who have temporarily abandoned their tastebuds.
4.) Food Factory:
At $1.25, Food Factory’s samosas are a must-have for the drunk and poor. Where else can you find a deep fried pastry stuffed with chickpeas? Bonus–they’re vegetarian! Nothing’s better than augmenting your diet with something healthy and socially responsible after a long night of binge drinking and sweaty dancing. (Except avoiding a hangover. That’s much, much better.)
Come on, guys: it’s called the dollar menu for a reason. You might be too drunk to remember your last name or where you left your shoes, but the location of this town’s McDonald’s should be seared into your brain, a last vestige of hope in times of drunken trouble. Bonus points if you choose to be frugal and get just one fried apple pie for 89 cents instead of 2 for a dollar!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, especially when you’re drunk at 3 a.m. We think any nutritionist would approve of the $2 pancake stack; they have blackberry, banana berry, and peanut butter. Let’s be real, there’s a meal that includes more fruit and protein than you probably eat in a week while sober. Who says getting drunk is bad for your health? That 3 a.m. Denny’s run is probably the only thing keeping you from getting scurvy!
1.) Insomnia Cookies:
Sometimes you crave warm cookies with melted chocolate chips, just like Grandma used to make—only Grandma ain’t here to feed your sloppy, trashed ass, so thank Testudo for Insomnia Cookies. At $1.50 for a regular cookie or $3 for a Jumbo Deluxe, this is the most comforting drunk food in College Park. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to afford milk to go with your serving of oven-fresh heaven. Maybe try dunking a cookie into vodka, if you have any left (Please don’t try that. – Ed.)
The greatest entrepreneurs always find a way, even under the most difficult of circumstances. Sure, College Park might have drained your time, self esteem, and wallet, but at least you’ll be able to feed yourself for no more than $3! Go forth, hungry young economists, and make us proud by filling the emptiness with the cheapest fat, carbs, sugar, and sodium that Route 1 has to offer. Sure, the solace won’t last past your next bathroom break, but it’s better than nothing.