If UMD Dining Halls Were Graded

author-pic at University of Maryland  

Let’s flashback to orientation when you visited the dining hall. It seemed pretty nice then, right? Well… let’s just rip off the Band-Aid now—they lied to you. Those happy and cheerful, “Maryland-is-the-best-place-on-Earth” orientation advisors made a deal with the dining hall devil to provide seemingly decent food. However, THE FOOD IS NOT OKAY, nor nearly as glamorous as they made it out to be. Here at The Black Sheep, we’ve decided to clear up these misconceptions to better prepare you when stepping into the treacherous… disastrous…deceitful… DINING HALL! *Gasps*  Here’s a food station ranking to help you and your stomach out (if that even’s possible):

Chef’s Feature: Don’t you even think about it. Unless you savor concoctions made from tears of failing students and beer vomit, or are on the brink of death from starvation, then we recommend you stay far away from this station. Far, FAR away.
Grade: Try again.

Broiler Works: Welcome to the world of mediocre meat. They delude you with their long line of students, but monumental disappointment is inevitable. The chicken tastes like it was an experiment scientists gave up on, while the hamburgers both look and taste like they were processed from a fat lady sitting on them for several days. In this case, it is most definitely over when the fat lady sings—the end of your digestive track kind of over.
Grade: G+

Clucker’s: Well, at least the chicken is real here; the rest, however, not so much. Say goodbye to your childhood friend, mac-n-cheese, because the cheesy comfort food here is far from comforting. It’ll make you squirm in your pants and plead for Mommy, but watch out—the flavor only gets worse. By the fifth day, you’ll be convinced it’s from the fifth circle of hell. But again, at least the chicken is real. We think.
Grade: Stick to the biscuits.

The Deli: Finally, a safe haven! In an ocean of dressings. Refrain from asking for any kind of runny substance because the workers will drown your sub’s sorrows in it until the sandwich resembles a washed-up piece of seaweed. Also, make sure to bring your own carrots and celery. This is no place of generosity.
Grade: County fair goldfish.

Maria’s: You can’t go wrong with pasta, right? Wrong. After being forced to choose ingredients that nobody eats with their pasta (if you’re a tofu lover, we apologize), you have to silently watch as your beautiful chance of real food is battered, beaten, and deprived of the sauce you desire. If you’re craving spaghetti, do not try to obtain it here—you will end up with a depressed and lonely widow of spaghetti.
Grade: You won’t throw up.

As hard as it will be for your body to function with a substance that will batter your stomach into something unrecognizable, you can’t forget that you’re still human! Don’t let severe deprivation of real food change you too much. You WILL taste your mother’s cooking again. Also keep in mind that attacking, bribing, threatening and/or acting upon any other desperate instinct in restaurants is deeply frowned upon. You can’t harass the staff into giving you food in the first two seconds of ordering. Keep all these tips and recommendations in mind, along with a bit of praying, and you may just survive.