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UMD To Open The Church of Testudo for Finals Week Offerings and Worship

Last week, Wally ‘Where’s all my money’ Loh announced a brand-new decision which has stirred far more controversy than even differential tuition. Starting fall 2018, Memorial Chapel will be used exclusively to hold meetings for a brand-new UMD backed religion: Testudism.

Testudism, which many describe as “basically a cult,” is a new religion that worships Testudo as a deity. Testudism started about 3 semesters ago as a way for anthropology major Pho Alias to get out of his English test.

Pho started Testudism on four main laws:

1.) All members must wear bright red robes
2.) All members must worship only Testudo
3.) Testudo is everything, he is within us, he is around us
4.) Fuck Duke

Somehow Pho’s new religion became approved by the university as a recognized religion for excused absences. Because Testudism recognizes every Friday as a holiday, many students began to convert to get out of their Friday classes.

Testudism has since grown exponentially on the campus. The McKeldin Testudo statue is seldom ever without a line of maroon-clad millennials lining up to rub its nose.

Testudism’s followers have received much controversy for their disruptive use of McKeldin Mall on Monday and Thursday nights for their rituals. Testudism’s rituals are kept secret due to the fact that the ceremony takes place in a heavily restricted rented tent.

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An insider for The Black Sheep has revealed that the rituals often take 3-7 hours, involve dance, traditional folk music, blood rituals, and free Pepsi products.

After many students notified President Loh about the church’s morbid activities, he decided to take over as the head of the religion. Loh’s official title is “Grandmaster Dragon Lord V_2.5.”

Because the church is affiliated with the university, the school will also receive a large tax cut. Students will also be required to attend a meeting at the Chapel at least twice a week or else they will receive an XF on their transcript.

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