6 Sexiest UMD Alumni

author-pic at University of Maryland  

The University of Maryland can be a pretty sexy place, daddy-o. There may be a ban on students smoking, baby, but there’s no ban on smokin’ students. The Black Sheep have taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of the foxiest students to ever pass through this institution. Check it out:

6.) Carly Fiorina:

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Power is sexy. And, as CEO of Hewlett-Packard for six years, Carly Fiorina had a lot of power. And just because she made a few bone-headed moves, doesn’t mean she’s someone we don’t want to bone. Besides, what’s wrong with laying off tens of thousands of American workers, selling HP products to Iran in violation of sanctions, or having HP’s value increase by $3 billion upon the announcement of your resignation? Look, she’s at the bottom of the list for a reason, okay? 

5.) David Simon:

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None of us have ever watched his show, The Wire, but if it’s anything like David Simon’s smoldering gaze, then it’ll captivate us for hours, and ultimately shed a light on an aging city’s dysfunctional institutions. Any one of us would Generation Kill to steal a kiss from this journalist-turned-television mastermind. And sure, he can Show Me a Hero, but he’d better not stop there. He can Homicide: Life on the Streets us any time.

4.) Sergey Brin:

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A bachelor’s degree in mathematics and computer science isn’t the only thing that Sergey Brin has going for him: he’s also filthy rich (co-founding Google tends to have that effect on people.) Let’s just be honest: having a lot of money makes you attractive. For this Moscow-bred hunk, that applies doubly so. He may have dropped out of his doctoral program at Stanford, but he’s certainly making us want to drop out of our pants.

3.) Kevin Plank:

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If we had to pick two words to describe the founder of Under Armour, we’d have to go with “hubba” and “hubba!” Kevin Plank should have no problem achieving his goal of revitalizing Baltimore, because he’s already revitalized all of our hearts. Just looking at his photo is enough to make us sweat and then have that sweat immediately wicked off our skin by his products.

2.) Larry David:

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What’s sexier than someone who makes you laugh? Nothing, we hope (it’s pretty much what everyone at The Black Sheep is banking on). He co-created Seinfeld, one of the greatest television shows of all time, and that makes it pretty hard to Curb Your Enthusiasm for this sexagenarian. Plus, have you seen how shiny his head is? We can see ourselves in it, though common decency prevents us from saying exactly what we see ourselves doing.

1.) Jim Henson:

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He may not look how you remember, but, baby, Jim Henson’s still got it. If anything, he’s more primed than ever for a good boning, if you catch our drift. You may think we’re joking, but we promise this is no fib-ia. Of corpse, we’d have loved to get with him back when he was alive, but this will have to do. Any one of us would kill to be his verte-bae. We’re trying to say we want to fuck this skeleton, okay? There’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Oh. There is? Well fine. Carry on, then.