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‘Where Have All the Munchies Gone?’ Says Disappointed UMD Stoner After Realizing Five Guys, Slices And The Stuffed Turtle Are All Gone

Local UMD stoner, Casey Cox, was startled by the lack of munchies College Park now has with the departure of Five Guys, Slices and The Stuffed Turtle.

“Slices was my shit. What am I supposed to eat now? Something from that new Frutta Bowls place?” Cox said. “Do they think I’m a fucking cow? Listen, I don’t wanna eat grass, I just wanna smoke it. If they don’t bring back Slices, I’ll probably starve.”

Many students might be wondering how these small changes in the Route 1 restaurant community affect them, as there are, after all, a precisely quantifiable shit ton of places to get food in College Park. Why do these three small closures matter?

“It starts slow,” an anonymous stoner told The Black Sheep. “First, a Sweetgreen moves into the bottom of the View, and then you get a vegan place, and then suddenly, you look around, and it’s just salads. EVERYWHERE. Not a damn french fry in sight. These closures matter.”

The munchies are disappearing from UMD at an alarming rate, and according to Terp Stoners everywhere, this “fucking blows.”

Yet, since the new healthy dining options have been added to Route 1, it is estimated that the overall cholesterol levels of UMD students have dipped over 40% during the new semester.

Additionally, it is projected that over time, UMD students will learn to enjoy the new restaurants once they learn to chew through the ugly flavor of a raw vegetable.

“But imagine being high and all you can eat is kale,” Cox argued. “That’s the hell we’re living in since Slices is gone.”

Regardless of the projected success of College Park’s newest healthy eateries, it’s likely that these new establishments will fail without the business of UMD’s flourishing stoner population.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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