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13 Things Not to ask a Sparty’s Worker


The workers at your local Sparty’s may not be someone you think about often, but they’re definitely crucial to your life. Maybe they sell you the bagel that cures your morning hangover just in time for your 10:20. Maybe they also sold you your chaser for the night before. Getting hookups like these, you’d never want to make their lives harder, would you? If you find yourself asking any of these questions at your local Sparty’s establishment, please try to, y’know, not.


“Can I, like, get two C’s instead of a B item?”

Has your hankering for granola bars gotten the better of you? Please relax.


“When are Arizona Iced Teas gonna be a combo item again?”

The workers have absolutely no fucking clue.


“Isn’t it Happy Hour?”

Actually it’s 4:03 and Happy Hour ended three minutes ago. Try FieldHouse, they have happy hour from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m.


“What’s in the Lite Fruit Latte?”

Because even the name of this specialty beverage sounds disgusting, your local Sparty’s worker can only assume that you have no intentions of ordering it and are, instead, just trying to waste their time.


“Where is (insert any item you would find at a Sparty’s here)?”

You are in a 12×12 room right now. Reach your hand out in any direction, and you’ll find whatever it is that you’re desperately looking for.


“Can I get two ranches for my chicken tenders?”

While it’s completely reasonable to want to get lost in the sauce, especially if the sauce in question is ranch, they just really can’t give it to you, okay?


“Do you guys have coffee?”

This is a completely ludicrous question for two reasons depending on where you are. Reason one: Does a bear shit in the woods? It’s Sparty’s, of course there’s coffee. Reason two: If you find yourself at the Union Sparty’s, look to your left, look to your right, and then ask yourself where the coffee could possibly be.


“What’s your number?”

You may think that this would be flattering. WRONG. If you actually dig the hat and apron look, then there’s something seriously wrong with you. Asking the question at PT’s, on the other hand, would be totally appropriate.


“Can I get this egg salad wedge toasted?”

You will not only ruin a worker’s day, but also a worker’s appetite.


“Can I get some incredibly-stupid-combination-of-fountain-drinks?”

Half lemonade and half Diet Coke? Da fuq?


“Can I get a dark roast coffee? I need a lot of caffeine?”

Prepare to hang your head in shame when your helpful Sparty’s worker kindly points out that light roast coffee has twice the caffeine of dark roast coffee.


“Do you have any chicken schwarma wraps in the back?”

Probably, but are you really going to make them go back and check?


“Why do you look so tired?”

Okay, have a good night, NEXT.


Sure, you’re being “nice” and “socially engaging” and whatever, but when was the last time you were in a good mood at work? If you want to leave a good impression, skip the small talk and look for a tip jar.


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