Ah, freshmen, the freshly born fetuses of the college atmosphere. Everything is so new. So different. So much enigmatic sexual tension between you and your roommate. What better way to break in the fresh blood than with some good ol’, classy, underage inebriation? Here are the six best Welcome Week parties to attend as a freshman.
The littest tit in dis bitch. There is no better way to get absolutely sloshed than by overdosing on boiled hot dogs, mediocre club pitches, and an underwhelming amount of hot people in college. Who knew there could be so many people actually interested in parkour? Those of you that filled the Breslin last night know.
Remember that book that everyone was forced to buy and read over the summer before school started, but nobody actually read it because it looked very boring? The fact of the matter is you haven’t read an entire book since To Kill A Mocking Bird in the 9th grade, but you didn’t actually read that either, because you are resourceful and used SparkNotes, and you sat next to that really smoking babe named Bridget, so you were never really focused on your education in public schools, you were more focused on cracking subpar jokes to somehow impress girls when in reality they would’ve rather enjoyed you doing your work you lazy piece of shit – yeah, the ceremony where they talk about that is low-key a banger.
4.) Literally Any House This Coming Saturday:
Every single residency in East Lansing will be turning up this Saturday, so you can go anywhere. If you haven’t caught up to the status-quo yet, almost every Michigan State student is a binge-drinking, sleep-deprived, sexually ambiguous time bomb.
3.) Frat Parties Dude:
You all should totally hit up Phi Omnicron Omnicron Phi. And afterwards, you can go to the party you told Chad down the hall that you would make it to at his frat, Beta Upsilon Theta Theta (H)Eta Omnicron (e)L Epsilon. Last, but not least, make sure to make an appearance at Sigma Alpha Veta Epsilon, Theta (H)eta Epsilon, Beta Epsilon Epsilon Sigma.
2.) The Bars of East Lansing:
Since none of you apply to this category, being that you are all under the age of 21 (the legal age of drinking alcohol in the United States), you won’t have to worry about these lit parties. You can, however, stand by the bars’ dumpsters hoping for an ounce of beer from a discarded can.
1.) The Main Library:
Little known fact: nobody ever goes to the 4th floor of the library; however, we at The Black Sheep love and cherish our audience so much that we are here to tell you about the best party on campus. Unbeknownst to the rest of the Michigan State community, getting belligerent in the books is a yearly tradition during Welcome Week.
Welcome Week is the most wonderful part of school, simply because it isn’t school; it’s relentless partying with the hedonistic manifestation of a hundred awkward boners in a desperate chase for a compatible partner. Welcome to State, freshies.