When the leaves begin to change (or at least when they’re supposed to, in this climate change-induced warm weather bullshit), every college student’s favorite holiday creeps closer and closer. So with this drunken, costumed celebration of community togetherness upon us, we’re ready to give you the best seductive ensembles to absolutely not trick-or-treat in.
6.) Sexy green move-in bin:
Not only are you hot, but you’re also dependable. Nothing says “make me your boo” like squeaky wheels and a rim that somehow always manages to cut your fingers. Plus, you can easily make friends by loading people inside your costume and rolling them down your freshman year dorm hallway in an attempt to bond with the guys on the floor!
5.) Sexy iClicker:
A? B? C? All wrong, because you know it’s time to smash that D. Give all your fellow partiers the heebie-jeebies from flashbacks of missing attendance questions, while simultaneously enchanting them with your sleek white plastic and seemingly useless display screen. You are elegance. You are grace. You are a pain in any frequent skipper’s ass.
4.) Sexy Conrad’s mac and cheese bites:
This costume is simply mouthwatering, and it’s guaranteed that your crush won’t be able to keep their hands (or their mouth, for that matter) off of you, from your crispy breaded outside to your cheesy, delicious inside. For extra fun, have your significant other roll up as a wrap.
3.) Sexy overzealous RA:
“Hey, how was your weekend? Just so you know, we’re having a ‘make your own sundae’ event downstairs! Also, next week at our mandatory meeting, I figured I could get us Insomnia Cookies and maybe we can boost attendance! Also, do you know who tore up my boards? I worked really hard on those.” But make it hot and not annoying.
2.) Sexy hobo picking up cans at a tailgate:
We think the textbook definition of sex appeal is actually intruding on off-campus housing to steal cans out of the backyard, regardless of if the tenants are home. Either that, or it’s trolling around the lawns in front of Breslin to grab the Bud Light cans your brother’s friends tossed after their shot-gunning race. We’re hot and bothered just writing about it.
1.) Sexy P.A.C.E. officer:
Can you seriously tell us you don’t get turned on by parking tickets on your windshield after a long, hard day of busting your ass at school, one that you sold your soul to attend every year? No, you can’t. Secretly, we all love the mind-blowing frustration of missing the meter by two minutes only to see those dickwads already left you a ticket. It gets our loins simmering to shell out fifty whole-ass dollars to go to class in the rain. They must be sexy, because in the end, we are all fucked by P.A.C.E., so it’s about damn time somebody fucked them, too.
Trash the unicorn and the Wonder Woman garb. There is nothing alluring about a strawberry or boxer. Wear the costume this campus deserves, and wear it with pride. It’s your time to own the bewitching hour.