It’s been a long night. You’re tired. You’ve twerked to so many songs you didn’t know that a gentle mist has cloaked your balls, like the dew on freshly-cut grass in the butt crack of dawn. You’ve swapped spit with a stranger. It tasted like alcohol, Cheez Whiz, and poor decisions. You should really go to bed. Then, you see it. The blurry green lettering that is Conrad’s Grill. Here’s 6 things rolling through your mind at this existential time of your life.
6.) “Is This Place Heaven?”
It’s so bright. The golden gates have opened, and you have been greeted by multiple aphrodisiacs. The sight of happy faces. The smells of jalapeños, pineapple, and fried chicken. The intoxicating aromas stimulate you more than ever imagined possible. You love it here. It’s perfect. It’s home.
5.) “Is This Place Hell?”
Holy shitballs, it’s bright. Your corneas hurt more than when you stared at that eclipse for 10 minutes. The fiery gates have opened, and you have been greeted by multiple vulgarities. The sight of sad, lonely, and scarred faces. The smells of alcohol, weed, and just a hint of anus. The unintoxicating aromas stimulate you in a way so vile, you could not even imagine a more gruesome stench. You hate it here. It’s a nightmare.
4.) “Am I Even Hungry?”
You really shouldn’t eat. You just drank enough firewater that to kill a herd of buffalo. You feel sick to your stomach. You’re very well drunk and already starting to feel the effects of a monster hangover. This food wouldn’t be as good if you were sober. You don’t need it.
3.) “I’m So Freaking Hungry.”
You really need to eat. You just drank enough liquid courage to talk to any girl in the world. You feel empty inside and the tank needs to be refueled. You’re very well sloshed and you know you could eat everything Conrad’s has in their fine establishment. Damn, the food is good too. You need it now.
2.) “Is the Insipid Monotony of Life Too Much to Bear?”
Life is hard. College is hard. You’re horrible at grammar but know phrases like “insipid monotony.” Use the right “bare” next time, you lazy bastard. You put so much stress on yourself. You have four books to read, seven assignments to complete, and 17 novellas to write. Is Conrad’s an escape from this glorified prison?
1.) “The Wonderful Spontaneity of Life is Perfect.”
Life is easy. College is the best time of your life. You may struggle in some subjects, but you know you can work hard and get better. You love repetition when writing satirical college-themed articles. You put stress on yourself to get the best end-product. You goal-oriented little cutie. You have four books to read, two assignments to complete, and zero fricks to give. Is Conrad’s an escape from this imperfect utopia?
The 3 a.m. run to Conrad’s is never a mistake. It’s a confusing place of yins and yangs, right and wrongs, and ups and downs. It’s a beautiful equilibrium of everything bad and good in the college world. If you haven’t yet, make sure to get some delicious glorified grease into your stomach. Conrad’s is waiting.