Aw man, looks like it happened again. You tried all your best pick up lines, you left one pocket of your cargo shorts unbuttoned for good luck, but damn, you just can’t get anyone to go home with you. Shocker. So how do you plan to get all the damn way back to Brody now?
6.) Hydroplane Back on a Trail of Your Tears:
We know you don’t have “allergies” and we know your eyeballs aren’t “sweating”. Quit the shit and be upfront that you’re actually crying your eyes out. Luckily these excessive fluids will allow you to slide uncontrollably all the way back to your humble abode.
5.) Razor Scooter:
You knew the moment that you folded up your razor scooter, tucked it into your “going out party sack” and hopped in the back of the Uber that there was a bigger purpose behind your actions, you just didn’t know it yet. Roll back to your crib, a tight grip on the padded handle bars, and let all of your problems fly out behind you as you go at a speedy pace of 3 m.p.h.
4.) Dismount the Los Tres Amigos Sign and Use It to Paddle Board Down the Red Cedar:
A great institute like this is always willing to lend a hand to anyone needing it. Show off your paddle skills that Amanda at the party didn’t want to hear about because she was more interested in hearing Chad’s heart palpitating story of how his frat brothers aren’t actually his real brothers. Being one of the speedier options, this is a transportation option that’ll get you back to your (quite literal) forever bachelor(ette) pad.
3.) Call Up Your Middle School Bully for a Ride:
They always said you’d be a loser, and damn, they were right. They’ve probably been anticipating this call for quite a while now to give out a fat “I told you so,” so you might as well take advantage of the readily available ride. His rear car seat isn’t the first thing you’d prefer to drop that ass down on, but it’s better than nothing.
2.) Barrel Roll Inside a Green River Trail Trash Can:
Transport yourself using what you are: trash. This may be dangerous; you might not even end up in the right direction, but what do you really have to lose?
1.) Cut Off Your Left Leg with a Switch Blade and Beg an MSU Cop to Drive You Home in Exchange For a Gas Station Taquitos:
Okay…maybe you should just take an Uber.
The Black Sheep hopes you have the safest and most effective means of travel – and hey, don’t worry, you’ll get ‘em next weekend, champ!