In elementary school, we complained about having assigned seats, yet here we are; when someone takes the spot we always sit in during class, we want to clock them upside the head and drag their bloody, unconscious bodies to the back of the lecture, sitting our fat asses down where they belong. Here are 6 ways to mark your sweet new B-wing unassigned seat this syllabus week.
6.) Pee all over it:
If you didn’t think of this by merely reading the article title, then we can bet you’ve been peeing in all the wrong places. Just like when a dog pees on a fire hydrant or your grandfather’s tombstone, you need to mark your territory. Filling your bladder up at the Wells Starbucks beforehand should do the trick. You might be left alone in the event of any group projects, but at least you don’t have to worry about finding a spot in class.
5.) Scatter your hair from your recent Aveda haircut on the seat:
“Oh my god, are those pubes on the chair?” Damn right, Becky, you sick twisted chair-stealer. Maybe next time she’ll be more careful about where she places her butt cheeks.
4.) Spray paint your butt cheeks and mark the seat:
X marks the spot, lads, and goddamn this pirate really did find the booty. If someone tries to take your seat with the “oh, is your name on it?” phrase, just slap them across the face with your backpack or some frozen poultry and say, “no but my ass is.”
3.) Hire a small child to wait in your seat 1 hour before class:
Train him well and train him hard. Make sure he doesn’t speak to anyone and answers to no one but you. “Who is this kid and why is he holding a switchblade?” your peers will ask as they avoid the seat, as well as the kid who appears to be foaming at the mouth.
2.) Record yourself dry humping the chair and Airdrop it to everyone in the class:
Assert your dominance. You’ve seen your dog do it before, so why can’t you?
1.) Print out a picture of your professor’s face and tape it to the seat of the chair:
Nothing says reserving a seat like making your competition make a life or death choice of sitting on their professor’s face. No one will take your spot.
So whether you decide to dispense your bodily fluids to show dominance or simply campout, The Black Sheep wishes you the best of luck with this endeavor.