So you’re down to clown with MSU, eh? You took the tour, loved the campus, and your application has gotten stamped with the magic seal of approval. Well, that’s it, isn’t it? Not quite, freshmeat. You and your parentals made the ultimate mistake on step one, so we’ll do our best to ratify this. Here are the seven lies you unknowingly consumed on that fateful campus tour.
7.) “The sidewalks are heated.”:
Unless they’re talking about that one random patch in front of Erickson, this is a load of name-brand falsities. You’ll find that out real quick when you’re up to your ass cheeks in snow, trudging your way to your IAH through the looming piles of white bullshit. If you so much as bring up those steam tunnels either….so help us, God. They’re not heated. Buy some Sorrels.
6.) “We have the best college cafeterias in the history of, like, ever.”:
This may be true if you live in Brody, but with your luck, you’ll be stuck in Hubbard with the shittiest caf. We’re sorry that you’ll be malnourished; we encourage you to see a doctor (or Akers caf) immediately.
5.) “Zeke III went to live with a nice farm family.”:
Come here, buddy. Come sit on our knee. We have to talk about something kind of scary: death. You see, when someone dies, they don’t come back. Ever. Usually they don’t even have sequels to replace them like Zeke IV, either. Zeke III didn’t go to live with your great uncle Donny up north on the farm. He died. No, buddy, please don’t cry. We’re sorry, we didn’t mean it! He is up north! He’s at a farm! We take it back!
4.) “Campus really isn’t that big.”:
The irony is that they tell you this as they take you on a six-year-long tour. You’ll realize this when you take a 9:10 in Brody and you have to hike 2 miles from Holmes to get there. If they tell you nothing is more than 10 minutes away, they’re feeding you lies. The only time campus feels small is when you’re eight shots deep and you haul ass at 3 a.m. from Kappa Delta Airlines to that one frat with the triangles.
3.) “Greek Life doesn’t haze.”:
You’ll discover quickly how untrue this is when you’re shot-gunning Keystone and running naked errands for your supposed “brothers.” Nobody respects a pledge, regardless of if they’re in Greek Life or not. Oh, you thought you wouldn’t be stripped and thrown into the Red Cedar at 4 a.m. just because we felt like it? Sorry, pledge. When you joined the brotherhood, you checked your self-respect at the door. Hope the mediocre parties are worth it!
2.) “Your RA will be your best friend.”:
Sure, they might have a bucket of candy and condoms in their room and tell you their door is always open, but trust us, your RA does not want to be your bestie. That “floor event a week” thing they mentioned was a joke. They’re about to use their $50 a semester to buy you Insomnia Cookies once and the rest on getting their girlfriend a birthday present. Their door is definitely not always open. In fact, it’s usually closed now, because you decided you wanted to talk to them a little too much about your creepy obsession with Conner George. It’s weird. Stop mentioning it to people.
1.) “Spartans Will.”:
Spartans won’t. They just won’t. We get what the signs say, but we seriously won’t. We’re too tired and hungover from studying until 10 p.m. and then partying until 4 a.m. We need a goddamn break, Lou Anna. This whole “classes” thing is really putting a damper on our reputation as the party school with the hottest girls and coolest campus life. We won’t, unless it means we get a midday nap.
Hopefully none of this scares you away, little guy. We didn’t think it right to let you into the club without actually knowing the truth. That would be like letting you into our fraternity and then hazing the shit out of you. We don’t do that here, by the way: the hazing thing. Nah, we’re all friends here on our teeny campus with heated sidewalks, disc-catching pups, and delicious food! Spartans Will!
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