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7 Controversial Ways to Keep Your New Year’s Resolution in East Lansing


Are you beginning to regret asking your sister to hold your face under the chocolate fountain for 3 hours straight at the past family Christmas party? Well, first of all, congratulations, and second, we have just the Spartan-themed solution for you. We’ve compiled a fresh ‘n’ fun list you can use in your hometown of East Lansing to get that Spring Break bod before you can say “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”


7.) Offer to Hold Everybody’s Drinks While You’re on the Rick’s Dance Floor:
This is one to really get your heart pumping. Not only are you getting cardio from working your hot moves and continuously pulling your feet from the floor, but you’re also getting strength training from holding the weight of all those overpriced Hamm’s! Um, and did we mention that core workout you’ll be getting from dodging those flailing arms that threaten to knock down your precious alcohol? A true triple threat for your bod!


6.) Squats Whenever Your Significant Other Confronts You About Reliability:
Did you forget to meet her for dinner when you promised her a hot date at Pita Pit? Did you fail to show up at the ping pong table when you told him you’d be his partner for beer pong? No problem! Now when they confront you, just squat out of their field of vision! Not only will your glutes look fantastic, your significant other will most likely give up and you’ll end up having to find a new one. Everyone knows the hunt for a new lover takes a lot of energy, aka more muffin off that top. Nice!


5.) Run Around IM West:
Can’t afford a membership to get inside? No problem! Just run a few hundred laps around the building. You’ll burn just as many (if not more) calories this way, and the knowledge that other people may or may not be near you working out is a real motivator. Teamwork!


4.) Burn Down the Dairy Store:
Those tempting flavors may as well be the devil himself, and they’ll surely put a stop in your quest to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-level abs. You can’t afford that kind of calories, so burn that sucker down and watch that ice cream melt away, just like those extra pounds will. Remember: destroying a building is much more demanding than you think, and will certainly be a workout to keep your newly-toned muscles sore for a couple days.


3.) Take Out the Floor of Your Car:
Do your workout Flintstone-style. They really had an idea there – have you seen Fred’s meaty thighs? No wonder Wilma’s got the hots for him. Tear out that flooring and use those legs of yours to get from Point A to Point B to get a look that stands the test of time.


2.) Climb Beaumont Tower:
There are tons of things to climb on campus, but this one’s not as easy as it looks. This’ll use all the muscles you have, and give your body a look that will make Playboy burst into flames. Make sure you do it after sundown, though; some campus officials just don’t understand the importance of a fit bod.


1.) Shot Put Your Textbooks into the Red Cedar:
You’ve seen it on the Olympics, and now it’s time to try it at home! Who are you kidding, you’re not going to use that ISS 230 textbook. Time to catapult that baby into the river to get the biceps you deserve.


Now that you’ve figured out how to work that bod, it’s time to actually do it.


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