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7 Hells of Bloomfield Hills, MI


Ah, the Bloomfield Bubble. A place that’s just a little bit nicer, safer, and slightly more uptight than the “nice area” near you. It’s a place where it’s okay to be in high school and drive a Mercedes. It’s also a place where if you don’t like your child’s birthday cake, you can drop kick it in the parking lot. Aside from these delights, these are seven bits of hell sprinkled throughout Bloomfield Hills.


7.) The Starbucks:
What looks like an innocent Starbucks in the strip mall on Telegraph and Woodward Ave. is the home of Black Friday-rivaling crowds every morning, where the only the most hard-to-please teenage girls go to get their custom-made beverage before school. This Starbucks is much too small for the swarms of people that see no substitute to starting their day with an overpriced latte.


6.) Downtown:
What downtown, you ask? Exactly. Other than a few weak strip malls, going out requires venturing to Birmingham, a quaint little town found frightening by anybody that enjoys doing things other than spending money. Don’t worry though, this place is definitely still within the Bubble.


5.) Lahser Road:
Despite being one of the roughest, narrowest roads in the area, driving on this road gives an unexplainable, distinct need for speed. This lends itself nicely to the unusually low speed limits and the plethora of hideouts for police hungry to give out generously marked down tickets.


4.) Cranbrook Schools:
The park in Cranbrook is a fantastic place to walk, see the gardens, and enjoy the outdoors. That is, until you come across a student of Cranbrook schools, frightened by the sight of an outsider. Be careful, they’re predatory creatures, just as willing to attack an intruder as they are to spend a college-level tuition on high school.


3.) Vaughn Road:
This road is an eerie sort of hell, as it is filled with beautiful, incredibly large homes. After that, more large homes. So many, in fact, that as you wait on the side of the road for your speeding ticket (yes, another case of a horribly low speed limit), you wonder what life decisions you should’ve made to live like these people, and what kind of dark secrets they could be hiding.


2.) Being Confused for West Bloomfield:
Whether you’re a resident or a visitor, mentioning Bloomfield to an outsider generally makes them think of West Bloomfield. If you don’t think there’s a difference, go for a drive and talk to the residents. Although Bloomfield Hills may be a bit pretentious, hearing people complain about their lox and cream cheese while their kids are trying to buy Sudafed from CVS across the street is even more frightening.


1.) Telling Others You’re from Bloomfield Hills:
When asked where you’re from by a fellow Michigander that knows the Metro Detroit area, any down-to-earth person can’t help but feeling bad about this one. Yes, they’ve heard of it, and yes, they probably think you find yourself better than others.


The next time you roll through Bloomfield Hills, stop and enjoy a place like no other. We hope you make it out without being too frightened. And as a last resort, if you find it uneventful, wear a profane t-shirt to the Whole Foods and you’ll surely get reported to the police by several suburban moms.


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