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7 Hells of Harrison Township, Michigan

As nostalgic as people get about their hometowns, sometimes you need to take off the rose-colored glasses. Every hometown its own version of hell, especially hometowns that sit in the middle of nowhere. These are the seven circles of Harrison Township Hell.

7.) The roads:

You know you’ve entered the first circle once the road quality changes. Buckle up for the potholes that appear every two feet thanks to a county that’s too cheap to fix its streets. With this many cracks in the cement, no mother in Harrison Township has an unbroken back. Your tires will scream for mercy as long before you do.

6.) Lake St. Clair:

Good old Lake St. Clair, the Great Lakes’ little cousin everyone would rather forget about. Filled to the brim with E. Coli and who knows what else, taking a dip in the lake is the ultimate game of: “oh my god what the hell just touched my foot.” Lakes are supposed to be that color, right? Right?!

5.) The spillway:

What better to feed a hazardous lake than a river-shaped dumping ground? There might be literal shit flowing through there, but it has to go somewhere. It’s totally not a flooding hazard to have houses and apartments built right along the edge. If they drift into the abyss, it’s just fewer people to complain about the rising water levels.

4.) The smell:

There’s nothing quite like that used tampon and burnt strawberry air freshener smell to remind you of home. If the smell of the lake and spillway weren’t enough, there’s always the scent from the various dump sites carried on an otherwise pleasant breeze. Sure, you have to step outside in a gas mask to keep from fainting, but at least it’s the scent of home!

3.) Fish flies:

A unique circle that only comes during the summer, fish flies are the bane of everyone’s existence. They have no reason to exist: they don’t eat, they don’t sleep, and they die after two fucking days. They just sprout from the depths of hell to cling to buildings, cars, and roads. It’s like the biblical plague of locusts, but ten times more annoying.

2.) The lack of nightlife:

Because the county line is drawn so strangely, there’s a whopping two whole buildings in the entirety of Harrison Township. The only bar is a hole in the wall by the gas station, and any restaurant is rated E for everyone. If you’re feeling adventurous, you can sneak into Metro Beach at night, but do you really want to risk it?

1.) The identity crisis:

You don’t truly know the meaning of Hell until you answer the dreaded question: “where are you from?” Are you from Detroit? Metro Detroit? St. Clair Shores? Mt. Clemens? Do you dare tell the truth and be met with a barrage of confused looks? Does Harrison Township even exist, or is it just a hole in the map to fill up the county line? Do you even exist? Even after growing up there the question still causes an existential crisis.

Now you understand the seven circles of Harrison Township Hell, and why any sane person would try their best to escape. We hope our guide can help you get through your Harrison Township version of Devine Comedy unscathed.

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