7 Secret Ways to Get Around MSU’s Campus in the Winter

author-pic at Michigan State University  

After spending the last three weeks in the safety of our childhood homes, Spartans have been forced out of hibernation months early. Despite packing on extra holiday weight for warmth, the walk to class is still going to be a bitch. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep did some research and found alternative routes to cut down on your time spent in the frozen hell that some call East Lansing:

7.) The Super-Secret, Hidden Underground Tunnels:
Most Spartans are completely unaware of the maze of hidden steam tunnels that runs beneath campus. It’s a great way to maneuver between classes – if you’re able to find its entrances and break the lock, that is. Rumor has it that the otherwise useless Olds Hall has a secret entrance. The steam isn’t the only hot thing about this transportation method – it can also be used for a kinky hookup, because there’s no better way to keep warm than fucking.

6.) Hitchhike a Ride with Sparty:
If you happen to see Sparty and his golf cart riding around campus, don’t hesitate to stick your thumb out. If this doesn’t get his escort’s attention, just jump in front of the cart, get on your hands and knees, and start begging for that ride to class. It’s not your warmest option, but your trip’ll be much shorter, and you won’t have to worry about getting hit by one of those crazy bikers who still insists on riding no matter how icy it is outside. Hanging out with Sparty is just a plus.

5.) The Pipes:
Michigan State is no Hogwarts, but North Neighborhood is pretty comparable. Campus is connected by a series of pipes, transferring sketchy water to each and every drinking fountain. If a basilisk could get through Hogwarts via pipes, then so can Spartans.

4.) Cow Sledding:
Unfortunately, Michigan State doesn’t have a large supply of Alaskan Huskies. Lucky for you, this agriculture school has no shortage of cows. Make a quick trip to the farms on campus that no one knows exists, strap a few of those babies together, and you’ll be passing all the peasants on your way to class in no time. Mush!

3.) The Red Cedar Zamboni:
This one is for when the weather has been frigid for weeks and the Red Cedar River is frozen. Just cut across campus with a nice, scenic Zamboni ride. It’s not only convenient, but also nostalgic, as it’ll remind Spartans of summertime Beer Olympics, when you and your drunk friends Zambonied cheap beer off the pong table for hours straight. Only five more months until those days can be repeated.

2.) Hot Air Balloon:
In the wintertime, the CATA buses are always full and smell like actual crap. Due to the high demand for reasonable transportation, CATA has released hot air balloon rides to ensure that all students can get to class on time without having to get to the bus an hour early. You can embrace the fresh air from above while taking in an often unseen view of campus. As long as it’s not too windy, the balloon should land within a half mile of your destination.

1.) Mental Teleportation:
This mode of transportation is the most efficient, because you don’t even have to leave your bed! Simply think about going to class. Think about leaving your blankets, putting on your boots, and bracing negative windchills. Think about stumbling along the sidewalks, finally making it to class dripping with sweat. And then think about how pointless that lecture is gonna be. In the winter, thinking about going to class is pretty much the same as going, except you avoid frostbite.

While debating whether you should leave your bed or not, another question is guaranteed to cross your mind: why the fuck is it called Spring Semester when there’ll be snow on the ground for more than half of it? We’re wishing you the best of luck getting to class these next few months.